UNDER COVID, PT. 4: DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY IN

As I was getting ready to remove the laundry from the dryer this morning, all New York "grooming salons" were told to close up shop indefinitely starting tomorrow evening at 8:00.

This is it, I thought. One more step closer to a total shutdown of the state of New York. All of Gov. Cuomo's pooh-poohing regarding such a thing were coming to naught.

Always my first choice when it comes to barbers.

But that's not what was on my mind. Once the laundry was put away, I rushed out for what could be my final haircut until Memorial Day. There were at least five other guys who had gotten the message before me waiting at my usual tonsorial parlor, making the suggested three-feet separation impossible. If I wasn't exposed to COVID-19 by now, this would definitely do the trick.

Fox Business doesn't hold back.

Meanwhile, the  barber's TV, usually tuned to movies or music videos, was firmly planted on the Fox Business Channel. (Being a Fox News channel, it was legally required to have an Australian host.) Roughly 30 minutes passed before it was my turn in the barber's chair -- 30 minutes of the Fox talking heads trying to decide which was more important: savings lives or the economy. It wasn't until the end of my haircut when word came through that Gov. Cuomo had ordered all non-essential services across New York state to shut down. 

What did I tell you? What did I tell you?!  

Cuomo and de Blasio decide who gets custody of
New York City.

No, Cuomo isn't going to have you arrested if you leave your house, as some rumors would have you believe. But for all intents and purposes, New York state is on lockdown, even if the word isn't being used. 

And that's OK. I get it. And did I tell you I knew it? Credit Mayor de Blasio -- temporarily no longer Our Idiot Mayor -- for shooting straight with us during this time. He'd been warning us a shutdown was on the table, even as Cuomo said it was up to him to decide whether it was going to happen. The guys are playing a political tug of war, only using New Yorkers instead of a rope. 

It's essential we keep this hell on earth.

Now comes the decision: What is a non-essential service? Well, police and fire departments, hospitals, pharmacies, and public transportation to start with. Grocery stores and banks? I'd say so -- we need money to buy food. That is, if it isn't sold out. Sanitation workers, aka garbagemen? Sure, even if we run out of things to throw out.

Then what? Liquor stores, right? I mean, it's essential we get good and stewed every night during this once-in-a-lifetime crisis. Rental cars and Amtrak? Absolutely! How else are we going to clear out when bodies start falling on the streets? 

John Cameron Swayze would have
made you feel good about a killer
pandemic.

TV and radio stations are needed so that news broadcasts can keep citizens terrified. Ditto newspapers. Laundromats for people who don't have washing machines and dryers? Well, yeah. Even if you no longer have a job to go to.

The cobbler on the corner will come in handy when you wear out your shoes trying to find toilet paper. Might as well keep the tailors open -- you're going to need those pants taken in as you slowly starve to death. And since we can't have those dead bodies piling up willy-nilly, we'll always have funeral homes for cremation purposes.

Is there anything that isn't providing essential services during this time? Yes. Is it possible to close down Washington?

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