California Governor Gavin Newsom is preparing for the worst case scenarios regarding the COVID-19 pandemic, adding that "we have the ability to do martial law" if necessary.
Newsom then listed the measures that the military would enforce on Californians. They include:
-- Forcing all citizens to eat kale salad.
-- Repeated mandatory viewings of Little Women until Greta Gerwig receives a "Best Director" nomination and win.
-- Homeowners in Los Angeles and San Francisco turning over their front yards to the homeless for use as toilets.
-- Movie producers disinfecting their casting couches after every unwanted sexual encounter.
-- Adding a 10% "Mickey Tax" on all purchases to cover any loses suffered by Disneyland.
-- Requiring Crips and Bloods to give victim priority to members they know are carrying the virus.
-- Keeping yoga studios running 24 hours a day for any emergency standing asana urges.
-- Rounding up all available celebrities to take turns singing inspiring songs for Tik Tok videos in order to get ordinary people to stop wondering how they're going to eat and pay the rent.
-- Asking medical marijuana growers to come up with a new strain that makes the middle class forget about wanting to blow up Beverly Hills.
-- Paparazzi keeping at least three feet from celebrities unless they're on deadline.
Gov. Newsom added that he has been in touch with the Vatican in order to fast-track sainthood for Tom Hanks.
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