BREAKING NEWS, COVID EDITION: 5/5/2020

Ohio Republican Representative Nino Vitale announced on his Facebook page that he refuses to wear a protective mask in public. "We are all created in the image and likeness of God. That image is seen most by our face. I will not wear a mask."

Ohio voters were surprised to learn that God has the face of a deeply-closeted conservative who spends most of his money on grooming products, and likely enjoys supervising showers for middle school softball players. 

A day after San Diego residents were required to wear face coverings in public, a man went grocery shopping while wearing a Ku Klux Klan hood.

In response, Pres. Trump thanked the unidentified man for his support.







In Britain, a government dossier of post-pandemic back-to-work rules states that obese office employees will have to stay home for a year.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson endorsed the idea, adding, "I might not even get out of bed!"

As of May 5, the 69,680 deaths caused by COVID-19 has surpassed those killed in the Vietnam War.

A spokesman for the Pentagon told reporters, "Doesn't look like such a fucking mistake now, does it?"





In India, the pandemic lockdown has caused 122-million of its citizens to lose their jobs.

A government spokesman assured its newly-unemployed that training centers would quickly be set up in order for them to transition into gainful work as telephone scammers.

Research by the Federal Reserve Bank of New York says that the Spanish Flu pandemic helped fuel the rise of the Nazi Party in Germany.

A spokesman for the Republican party boasted, "This once again proves that Pres. Trump was ahead of the curve. He didn't need a pandemic to get elected!"





Makers of the Mini UV Sterilization Light claim that their product eliminates germs and disinfects in ten seconds by merely scanning it over any surface.

Its quality has been endorsed by celebrities including Madonna, who said, "You have no idea how good it made me feel when I used it. Then I learned what it was actually for."

During the 35 hours of briefings regarding the COVID pandemic, Pres. Trump spent 13 hours talking about himself, with 45 minutes in self-praise. Only 4 minutes were spent on condolences for COVID victims.

When asked for a comment, Tiffany Trump said, "I envy them."

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