BREAKING NEWS: 2/23/2021

Coca-Cola employees were told in an online training class to "try to be less white" in an effort to combat racism, with slides that featured tips on how "to be less white," including being "less ignorant," and "less oppressive."

The advice concluded, "But for God's sake, don't start drinking less Coca-Cola."

Former President Donald Trump is lashing out at the Supreme Court’s recent decision to allow his private tax returns to be leased to New York State prosecutors, claiming he's a victim of fascism.

A spokesman for Trump later released a correction, saying that he was actually the beneficiary of fascism.

In Plano, Texas, police arrested 18 year-old Rodney Reese for walking in the middle of the road during a snowstorm in order to avoid the icy sidewalks. Reese was going home after his shift at Walmart.

Asked for an explanation, a police spokesman told reporters that it was too cold to put a knee on his throat for 8 minutes and 46 seconds.

 

 

 

In other news from Texas, a family is suing their local power grid operator and energy provider in the hypothermia death of their 11 year-old son during the recent snowstorm.

Lawyers for the grid operator said, "They should have gone to Cancun if they were so goddamn cold."

 

Researchers at the Harvard TH Chan School of Public Health have concluded that air pollution can increase your risk of heart and lung disease.

The researchers added that brown drinking water and rotten meat aren't good for you, either.

 

U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers in Cincinnati reported finding 44 pounds of cocaine-coated cornflakes that had been shipped from South America.

Asked for a comment, Tony the Tiger said, "They're grrrrrrrreat! I mean REALLY REALLY great! Like, holy shit, where can I get more of this stuff?!"

 

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