BREAKING NEWS: 2/25/2021

Roughly three dozen Democrats in the House of Representatives have signed a letter requesting that Joe Biden renounce his sole authority to use launch a nuclear attack.

When asked for a comment, Biden responded, "Am I president?"

 

 

According to the travel site Trivago, 38% of Americans would give up sex for a year just to travel again. 

Those people were advised just to get married.

Gwyneth Paltrow announced that one of the side effects she experienced from COVID-19 was "brain fog".

Doctors believe that she's had COVID since birth.

 

 

Andrew Cuomo denied sexual harassment allegations leveled by Lindsey Boylan, a former staffer, who claims the governor suggested that they play strip poker on his private plane.

"No way would I ask her to play strip poker," Cuomo said. "I'd just threaten to fire her if she didn't fuck me."

In related news, 21 year-old student Keaton Bullen claims that he was sexually assaulted by fashion designer Alexander Wang in 2019. 

The fashion icon defended himself, telling reporters, "Bullen should have been clearer when he said he always wanted to meet the legendary Wang."

 

NBC has pulled an episode of the hit sitcom Nurses from its streaming services following widespread backlash over an 'anti-Semitic' scene featuring a Hasidic Jew. 

In admitting the network's mistake, spokesman John Sivoney said, "We should have remembered how pushy those people are."

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