BREAKING NEWS: 8/17/2021

Biden administration insiders have admitted to being surprised at the swiftness of the Taliban's takeover of Afghanistan as American troops pulled out.

"After all," one source said, "who would have thought 20 years of a corrupt government and useless military that refused to defend its citizens could fall so quickly to terrorists that have been lying in wait this whole time?"

Royal mother-to-be Princess Beatrice has spoken  about her experience of dyslexia – and says that if her unborn child is 'lucky enough' to be diagnosed with it, then she will see that as a "gift".

"And by 'gift'," she added, "I mean cashing in on it by hiring someone to ghostwrite a book, getting my own podcast, and going on the lecture circuit at ₤200,000 a pop."

In India, Hardeep Singh miraculously survived after an auto accident sent a six-foot long, four-inch wide rod through his chest.

Following the five-hour surgery, Singh's doctors assured him that he could return to his job ripping off elderly people on scam calls posing as a Microsoft technician.

After living in a rented house for a year without paying rent, a tenant left behind 8,000 empty beer cans, stacks of rotten food, and a four-foot high pile of human excrement.

Asked how he came to live like this, the tenant said, "I figured if they could do that on the streets of L.A., I could at least have a roof over my head."

Maki Kaji, the beloved creator of the zeitgeist numbers puzzle Sudoku, has died at the age of 69.

Shortly before his death, Kaji told friends, "I knew my days were numbered."

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