OUT ON A LIMB

"... And so, Johnny, one day free TV will be a thing of the
past, thanks to satellites on your roof!" 

There used to be a TV series called Mr. Wizard, hosted by Don Herbert. Every week, 
Herbert would perform cool  experiments while explaining the science behind it in words kids like me could understand.  

And by "kids like me", I mean those who were fascinated by what they were watching while still getting C- in Science  on every report card.

I wanted to do well but for some reason never had the brains for it. Even now, you could explain how a radio tower transmits music to my radio and I still wouldn't understand it. And I bet you wouldn't either.

Now that we have that off the table, I want to give you  my own scientific theory -- one that may take its place alongside Isaac Newton's gravity jazz and whatever the hell Albert Einstein was talking about.

Think you're going to look this good at 1,000 years old?

While in Central Park looking with awe at the trees that were there long before I took my first bow and will be there long after I'm thrown off the stage, an admittedly unoriginal thought came to me: Trees live a lot longer than us people. 

But not just longer. For as we gradually deteriorate and actually shrink in size, trees grow taller and stronger. 

And so begat my theory: Trees are supposed to be here.  This is their world. We humans are mistakes. We shouldn't be here.

Now, don't get on your optimistic high horse and start saying But Mozart! Jonas Salk! Marie Curie! Thomas Edison! And what about OPRAH for God's sakes?! Because when you say that, I'll reply with, Read the news. Better yet, read history.

Unlike humans, trees don't convert you to religions at the point of a gun. Nor do they become junkies, drive drunk, murder for sport, or do any of the other  countless other terrible things humans are known for. Trees leave each other alone -- except to communicate useful information to make themselves even stronger and healthier. We communicate in order to gain power and make money. When we're not killing each other.

Green is free, yellow partly-free, purple is what's left
(and what we're all headed for).

While trees are living creatures, humans (I argue) are merely bacteria that somehow hit the lottery. And while there  are more good human bacteria, the bad bacteria are stronger  -- enough to take over much of the world.

Population-wise, the democracies admittedly outnumber the dictatorships by roughly 15%. But what the map on the right doesn't show are the bacteria in democracies that would love to turn it into different kind of -ocracy, whether it be autoc, plutoc or theoc.  

In other words, the human population could easily be destroyed from within. But trees? Only from without, whether it be insects, viruses or bacteria (human and otherwise). 

There you have it: Humans are truly nature's mistakes. All I need to do now is rewrite this using fancy jargon (some of it made-up) and sell it to a gullible science journal. Although it would be easier to let the late Norman Lloyd demonstrate mankind's inevitable end:

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