HOLD THE PHONE!

Sadly, this is not a joke.

 If you want to see a professional at the top of his game, then watch Alec
"It Wasn't Me" Baldwin's latest Instagram video. Taking a moment to compose himself, Baldwin shares an event he describes as Christmas miracle. This is it, you'll think, he's finally going to admit what a doofus he is!

Nope. Not yet, anyway. Instead, he tells a weepy story about a neighbor who found a missing packet of Splenda that had a handwritten note from a Baldwin fan reading, "You are 100% true. Thanks for the laughs, Good Sir. Cheers to a new year. Love you." He then places it in an inside pocket, so he never loses it again. 

Alec, Alec, Alec! A miracle would be a child being inexplicably cured of a fatal illness. Christ rising from the dead. You shutting up for one week. Discovering a little bag of artificial sweetener does not compare to any of these events.

Wouldn't this have been enough to put him
in a straitjacket?

If there were an award for "Best Performance by an Actor Appearing In Need of Involuntary Psychiatric Commitment", this guy would win hands down. And if it isn't an act, that authorities should take away his driver's license, because no way should he be behind the wheel of a car.

But this emotional outburst was just the warm-up for the main event for Alec "I Keep Cancelling My Social Media Accounts Only to Go Right Back Because I'm a Self-Destructive Publicity Hog" Baldwin. What he really wanted to do was set the record straight behind the news regarding his cell phone.

"I killed a woman! Please respect
my privacy. Until I don't want you
to."

Almost three months after -- oh, hell, you know what he did -- the B-list ham denied reports that he's not co-operating with New Mexico police authorities. Specifically, refusing to hand over the phone that may contain information connected to the crime. 

For all Baldwin's self-pitying bitching, he doesn't realize that any non-famous person without an expensive lawyer on speed-dial wouldn't have gone three days, let alone three months, walking free and holding on to a potentially important piece of evidence concerning the shooting of two people, one fatally. Oh, and showing off the wife and kids on social media 24/7 while the bereaved live without their loved one. 

As usual, Alec "Let's Divert Attention From Me by Blaming Somebody Else" Baldwin takes a few minutes to blame his bete noir of choice, the New York Post, for his current state of madness. The tabloid rounded up a few lawyers to weigh in on his reluctance to hand over the phone. 

None of them think he looks good, even as he claims he's working with the state police of New Mexico and New York. As criminal lawyer Kevin Kearon says, "It's not consistent with his pledge early on to co-operate with law enforcement. It certainly looks suspicious to the average person."

Give that lawyer a J.D. Power Award! Those final eight words in his statement say more than Baldwin does in his five-minute front seat soliloquy. 

Oh, there's Sidney Poitier -- way up
there!

And just to make sure we know what's really behind the Post's story, Baldwin points out that he made the front page of the paper while it was up to the Daily News to feature the death of Sidney Poitier. 

What he neglects to add is that 90% of the cover is devoted to the possibility of Andrew Cuomo running for office again after a judge dismissed sexual harassment charges against the former governor. Sidney Poitier's death is relegated to a little box in the upper right corner. 

If the Post had pulled the same thing -- only with him rather than Cuomo -- Baldwin would have complained the newspaper had its priorities mixed up. 

“It’s all going to work out, regardless of what they say in these right-wing rag sheets, and people who are all about hate,” Baldwin concludes, as he adds, "Consider the source."

OK, I think I will. Right-wing -- you mean Alec Baldwin the well-known misogynist and homophobe? People who are all about hate? Oh, Alec, do you really want to go there? Because I'm not sure how this is "all going to work out", unless you mean spending the rest of your life knowing the first line in your obituary will start, "Alec Baldwin, the former actor whose career was permanently derailed after fatally shooting a woman on a movie set..."

But please, Alec, you and your crazy wife keep on posting stuff on social media. Comedy always was your strong suit.

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