BREAKING NEWS: 3/11/2012

 After a lockout of 99 days, Major League Baseball and the MLB Players Association finally struck a deal on a new collective bargaining agreement on Thursday evening.

MLB spokesman Elmer Dugan thanked baseball fans "for being loyal and patient. But mainly for being stupid enough to put up with the crap both players and owners dish out, whether it's jacking up ticket prices, creating new rules that make no sense, and playing night games that end after midnight. We don't know what we'd do without them!"

Despite the former president claiming to be a billionaire, Donald Trump’s PAC sent out an email blast telling the former president’s supporters to give him cash for a new private jet called “Trump Force One.”

The email thanked Trump supporters "for being as stupid as baseball fans."

According to a survey this week, Andrew Cuomo trails New York Governor Kathy Hochul by only four points in a hypothetical Democrat primary race.

Cuomo spokesman Addington Ganzy said the poll proved "that Democrats, Republicans, and baseball fans can put aside their differences and come together in stupidity."

Former Empire actor Jussie Smollett was sentenced to 150 days  imprisonment for making false reports to Chicago police that he was the victim of a hate crime. Smollett responded by telling the judge that, despite evidence to the contrary, he was innocent, and claimed he would be murdered in jail.

Court observers said Smollett's overall behavior proves that gay people of color can be the equal of white straight men in sheer stupidity.

Speaking at campaign rally, North Carolina Republican Representative
Madison Cawthorne called Volodymyr Zelensky "a thug" and his government "incredibly evil" amid the Russian invasion of Ukraine.  

Informed of Cawthorne's remarks, the court observers at Jussie Smollett's trial said, "We're going to have to rethink our previous statement."

In related news, Rep. Madison Cawthorne was arrested yesterday for driving with a revoked license for a second time. Cawthorne is facing two pending speeding citations. As a staunch Trump supporter, Cawthorne spoke at the January 6 "Stop the Steal" rally.

Comedians across the country rejoiced at being able to make jokes about "a stupid cripple".

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