BREAKING NEWS: 3/30/2022

In response to Will Smith's physical assault of comedian Chris Rock over a dumb joke, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that the situation was still being processed and it will be a few weeks before it reaches a conclusion.

"By 'conclusion'", an Academy insider said, "we mean trying to figure out how to reprimand a guy whose movies have made over $800-billion for the industry while still figuring out how not to upset bigmouths on Twitter that otherwise would have absolutely no power whatsoever. Let me tell you, show business isn't easy."

In related news, O.J. Simpson weighed in on the incident, saying he "understood the feeling" Smith had but that the slapping incident was wrong.

Simpson added, "Take it from me, a hunting knife gets the job done better."

Hilaria Baldwin announced on Tuesday that she is pregnant with her and Alec Baldwin's seventh child.

The Baldwins explained they wanted to spread their psychological problems even further among another generation of guaranteed-to-be screwed up actors' offspring.

Due to the invasion of Ukraine, the Buchenwald and Mittlebau-Dora Memorials Foundation will not allow representatives from Russia and Belarus to ceremonies marking the 77th anniversary of the deathcamp's liberation.

A spokesman said, "Those guys give Nazis a bad name."

Jamie Petrone, a former administrator at the Yale University School of Medicine,
has pleaded guilty to stealing $40-million in funds in order to pay for a fleet of luxury cars, numerous properties in several sates, and lavish vacations.

When asked why it took the school a decade to discover the thefts, a source said, "We're the school of medicine, not economics. By the way, this is as good a time as an to announce an increase in tuition next semester."

In Portland, a lawsuit alleges an employee at a Red Robin restaurant tainted a customer's salad with semen.

The employee told authorities he thought that the customer ordered the salad with jerk chicken.

Donald Trump's Truth Social app has seen a 93% drop in sign-ups.

The drop was attributed to the word Truth.

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