BREAKING NEWS: 8/16/2022

Former President Donald Trump has claimed that the FBI "stole" three passports that were in his possession.

One was issued by the U.S. government while the other two were gifts from Vladimir Putin "just in case".

The gun used by Alec Baldwin on the set of Rust that killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins could not have been fired "without a pull of the trigger," according to an FBI forensics expert.

When asked for a comment, Baldwin shot the reporter.

Dr. James Pfaus, a professor of neuroscience at Charles University in Prague, has discovered that women orgasm in three distinct ways.

He cautioned that none of the ways involve a typical man.

The Academy of Motion Pictures is apologizing for the negative treatment Sacheen Littlefeather experienced following her appearance on the Oscars in 1973 when she rejected the Best Actor award on behalf of Marlon Brando.

In a statement to the press, Academy spokesman S. Quentin Quayle said, "We've reached out to Ms. Littlefeather with the promise to  bury the hatchet with her. Once we've smoked the peace pipe, we bet our last wampum that she will accept the kind words from the Great White Father in Hollywood."

A new AI tool called StoryFile will allow mourners to have a conversation with a
holographic image of the deceased relative at the funeral.

Ninety-nine per-cent of the people in a poll said they would never use it, with the overwhelming explanation being, "What are you crazy? We're going to the funeral to make sure they're dead!"

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