QUARTER-MILESTONES

 Several years ago, I took part in a Central Park picnic with a handful of my college alums, one or two I actually remembered. In doing so, I was put on the school mailing list, thus allowing me to receive their quarterly magazine. 

The publication seem to exist for two reasons: 1) To show how our donations are improving the students' education (and, more importantly, dorm life -- wouldn't you have loved an app to let you know when your laundry was done?); and 2) To rub it in your face how well your classmates and the others after you have done since graduation.

Since I blocked my phone number from the school's annual beg-a-thons (and I use the kitchen timer to alert me to my laundry activity), only the second is really useful to my life. And boy, does it do the job! From publishing to politics, art to acting, marketing to moviemaking, I am bombarded with people who can't do enough to remind me what I haven't done with my life in the last 44 years. 

Some people -- and you know who you are -- believe this is the devil's flag of self-pity. Hardly! In fact, never. This is an observation made possible only by a lifetime of refection, wisdom, and bottles of red wine. 

Yesterday, I received the Fall edition of the magazine, which ought to be called Hey, Look At Me!. And for the first time I noticed that nobody from my class shared the 911 regarding yet another big deal move up the professional ladder. It took just a moment for me to realize it was not because they were dying off (although some have), but that they're at the stage of their lives when they've already made their mark on society, and are now enjoying their well-earned retirement.

Well, bully for them! Meanwhile, I'm still in the trenches, ready to add another bronze medal to my already-studded occupational uniform. Just to give you some passing examples:

• Yesterday, in addition to the upscale business casual clothes I was already wearing for background work on Succession, I brought along a suitcase of alternate items  -- even though I didn't need to!  Oh, and I did a superb job pretending to eat oatmeal, sip cold coffee and hold a conversation during take after take. 
• Whenever I need to get up at an ungodly hour for my "acting" work, I sleep on the Murphy bed in the living room rather than force my wife to put up with my tossing and turning as I wonder, Will the alarm clock stop in the middle of the night?
• Just this morning, while on the self-checkout line at the grocery store, I went the extra mile and asked one of the "associates" if she could work her magic on the machine so I could get the Tuesday senior citizen discount.
• And speaking of grocery shopping, I saved a few bucks on dinner by thawing out the cod I put in the freezer last week instead of buying something else. Can somebody give me an "Amen"?
• I've been making it a point to cut those long white hairs on my chest, neck, and throat. Sure, I could let them grow past my shirt collar, but I go the extra mile.
• I empty my Gmail inbox with the ruthlessness of Genghis Kahn.
• Rather than be surprised by my American Express bill every month, I pay the darned thing off every week -- sometimes twice a week. They're not gonna catch me unawares!

I could continue the list ad infinitum -- or, more accurately, ad nauseum -- but I need to add that my biggest accomplishments have been being happily married to a wonderful wife for 30 years, and somehow being a good enough father to produce the best daughter a parent could have. Funnily enough, those were the two things I never saw coming. 

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take yet another dagger to my inbox. Woosh! Slash! Hahahaha! Did it again to the little buggers!

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