I'VE GOT NO NEWS FOR YOU

Gee, this looks fun.

 Happy new year! Or is it? It's new, that's for sure. But is it happy? It better be happier than 2022, the worst year for news since 2021.

How do I know that? Because I learned it upon opening my laptop each day and hitting the Edge search engine app. The first page that came up was the news, mostly politics, war, and crime, all of it stomach-turning. 

Please, sir, I want some more. Alright, let's read the readers' comments in order to elevate my blood pressure to 180/120. Yay! Now I feel even worse!

Really, how many times do I have to read this?

I can't blame Edge. I had checked the kinds of stories I was interested in, which apparently fell under the umbrella of "Guaranteed to Piss You Off". 

It's very strange. I would never choose to, say, drink sour milk, eat rotten meat, or buy clogs. Yet here I was willingly -- let me repeat clearly, will-ing-ly -- opting to do something that made me, if not sick, then at least irate and, lately, depressed.

So it was with great relief yesterday that the first song to play on my laptop was "Spent the Day in Bed", written and recorded by Morrisey. In case you're not familiar with the name, Morrisey is either the musician who saved your life during your teens, a prickly contrarian, or a right-wing British nationalist who should be shunned by the audiences who are otherwise buying his records and attending his concerts in big numbers. Such a complex guy!

Morrisey tries to reassure me.

None of that was on my mind when he got to the chorus:

I recommend that you stop watching the news

Because the news contrives to frighten you,

To make you feel small and alone,

To make you feel your mind isn't your own.

On paper, there's nothing there as catchy as "Cheek to Cheek" or even "The Monster Mash". But holy New York Times, did that ever hit home. And it's not like "Oh, there goes sad sack Morrisey mouthing off again". A woman who used to work on the production staff for NBC news confided to me that the purpose of her former profession "is to scare you". Mission accomplished. 

None of those people are me.

So on New Year's Eve, while most New Yorkers were making drunken fools of themselves, I was busy changing my Edge reading preferences. Out with the news, in with the entertainment and cooking. And instead of binging on disheartening information, I learned that a Netflix series I worked on over a year ago, Kaleidoscope, was finally airing; Andie McDowell is more glamorous at 64 than ever before; and that I, too, can rock a sheet pan sausage dinner. 

I. Feel. Wonderful. 

So wonderful that I intend to skip television news entirely this week. No Morning Joe. No lunchtime visits with CNN. What I really want to do is avoid it for the rest of the month. Or season. Or year. 

How serious am I? While writing this, I received my daily Axios newsletter -- and immediately felt a twinge in my gut. If certain emails make me feel sick, that's a sure sign a change in behavior is warranted. 

Allow me to introduce you to Hoppin' Jack
Biryani.

I've gone on brief vacations from news in the past, but this is the first time I want to avoid it indefinitely. As with those other times, I know if there's something really important, I'll find out somehow. 

For now, I'm happy to learn what to eat with black-eyed peas (vegetarian chili, paprika chicken, and something called Hoppin' John Biryani), getting the inside skinny on  Marie Kondo's grocery shopping style (it depends on the layout of the store), and how director Rian Johnson will link his "Knives Out" movies (they'll all star Daniel Craig, duh).

Trivial, you say? At my age, that's the whole damn point. 

I recommend you stop reading the news. You might find that trivial is the way to go.

And a word of caution to the columnists who tell Morrisey fans that it's time to stop listening to his music: that's how you convince them to keep listening to his music. That shouldn't be news to you.

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