I SEE ONE-THIRD OF A MOVIE CREW...

 

Plaid shirt, wedding ring, pale hands -- Jesse
knew his base.

Way back when in the land of cotton, Jesse Helms ran a campaign ad featuring a close-up of a man's working-class white hands crumbling a rejection letter. A narrator sadly intoned, "You needed that job, and you were the best qualified. But they had to give it to a minority because of a racial quota. Is that really fair?"

The commercial hit all the right notes, riling up the white base and ticking off liberals of all colors. The wrong people were against quotas and affirmative action or, as it's referred to in the UK, positive discrimination -- a phrase that would go over well in Helms territory, until they found out what it really meant.

The cliched "liberal Hollywood show business types" felt mighty good about being on the correct side of the controversial topic -- three decades ago. Let's see how they feel when the new rules for qualifying for a Best Picture Academy Award goes into effect next year. And these aren't just racial quotas but sexual and physical as well, from the cast to the crew to the financing and marketing. Officially, what the Academy is looking for is "underrepresented groups." As Jesse Helms's narrator asked, Is that really fair? 

Also known as Making Up for Not
Giving the Oscar to Raging Bull
Like We Should Have.

Since I'm not in the movie industry, this makes no difference to me. Academy Awards have never really been a sign of "best" anything. Oh sure, sometimes they get it right -- like a gold-plated statuette of a naked guy is the official sign of greatness. But when was the last time anybody watched Out of Africa, The English Patient, Million Dollar Baby, or Chariots of Fire? I saw all those movies; the only thing I remember about them is a strong feeling of dislike. (I walked out of Crash, another Oscar winner, after 20 minutes, so I guess I should include that, too. By the way, do you remember Crash?)

You just know there are moviemakers crumbling their latest issue of Variety as they ponder the new Academy quota rules, even if some of them probably aren't that difficult to fulfill. They can't find a non-white script supervisor? I don't even know what a script supervisor does, but I bet an Asian woman could handle the job. And I've been on sets with black and female cinematographers; ditto for people running the wardrobe and hair department. Yes, I think it's possible that 30% of the crew could be "underrepresented". 

But you know who's definitely underrepresented? Blind cinematographers. Deaf sound technicians. Armorers on Alec Baldwin movies who know what they're doing.

OK, so maybe that last paragraph reeked of snark. The real problem is going to come when at least one of these rules needs to be followed: 

1. At least one of the lead or significant supporting actors is from an underrepresented racial or ethnic group.
2. At least 30 percent of all actors in secondary and more minor roles are from an underrepresented group.
3. The main storyline, theme or narrative of the film is centered on an underrepresented group.

Good thing they made this in 2015.
Otherwise, they'd have to hire some
Hawaiians for a movie filmed in
Hawaii.

You like movies about the Mafia? Better stock up on pre-2024 releases. Ditto pictures set before the Civil Rights era. Anything by Woody Allen. Adam Sandler comedies (yay!). A Sex and the City sequel (double yay!). Somebody pointed out Licorice Pizza couldn't have been made under the new rules. Apparently, it would have required the older female sexual predator to be black -- or the teenage boy to be Latino. And then maybe people would have noticed how sick that movie really was.

There have always been rules in the movie business -- they just haven't been written down. Nepotism, racial bias, sexual discrimination -- those things and more were always part of the industry. Just ask Harvey Weinstein. 

But one rule towered over all of them: It's all about who you know.  Producers are going to have to learn about whole new groups of people if they want those shiny naked men on their mantles. Either that, or they'll have to stop making Oscar-bait movies. Say, these quotas just be a blessing.

For what it's worth: My favorite movie last year was Amsterdam. Of the three leads, one was black. Critics hated it. It didn't receive any Oscar nominations. Go figure.

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