GRANDFATHER FIGURE

Diane Keaton dodged a bullet.

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. And if the old dog is named Al Pacino, you can't slap any sense into him, either. In February 2020, I wrote a piece about his break-up with Meital Dohan. One of the reasons for the split, according to Dohan, was that Al is a cheap old geezer. The other reason is that he's an old geezer, period. Their ages were his 80 to her 43, which resembles the score of a college basketball game.

Fast-forward three years. Pacino, now 83, is now squiring around Noor Alfallah, 29, which is closer to the Harlem Globetrotters win over the Washington Generals. And the relationship is more than just quiet early bird specials at the Golden Corral. Pacino is said to be "shocked" to learn that his 54-year younger girlfriend is pregnant with his child. 

He's shocked? Show a photo of these two to anyone unfamiliar with Pacino, and they'd think she was the charge of her dementia-addled patient. Tell that same person that this woman willingly got knocked up by him, they'd say she had dementia, too.

Wait, I'm being cruel! Alfallah is described by friends as "an old soul" who "loves old people". Those old people include Mick Jagger, Clint Eastwood, art collector Nick Berggruen, and restauranteur Michael Chow. Gee, I guess she doesn't like old women.

Mr. Chow admires her 2022-retro style.

Now that was mean of me to say. Let's give Alfallah a chance to explain herself. "I never judge anyone by their age," she claims, adding, "I love old movies, collect vintage film posters, and wear vintage fashion. I love the retro look." 

Wow, so do I! You think Alfallah would go for me? No way! And it isn't because, at 67, I'm just a child in her old soul eyes. Nor would me being married be a problem if we spent an evening at home watching Wheeler & Woolsey movies on TCM. In fact, I think my wife would be delighted having someone else sit through them.

Mick Jagger and Ronnie Wood prove love knows
no age, but is on more than speaking terms with
money.

So, what's the deal? Is it because my hair isn't dyed a color unknown in nature?
My face lacks the wrinkles one usually finds on mummies? What separates me from these incredibly rich, successful men? 

Don't jump to conclusions! Noor Alfallah "is no gold-digger" according to an "industry figure" (who's probably worth at least nine figures himself)." Another assures us that she's "very positive and not an opportunist". 

I'm positive she is an opportunist. Like, taking the opportunity to do the dirty with Mick Jagger when he was 74 and she was 22. Since when do 22 year-old women spend time with guys in their 70s that they don't address as "Grandpa"? How the hell does a 22 year-old even know who Mick Jagger is?

I'd hide my face, too, if I were a young
woman dating a 95 year-old man.

No wonder Pacino and Alfallah go on double dates with his friend, director Harold Becker, who was born in 1928. If necessary, one of the women can call 911 while the other performs CPR. Maybe they can drag along 79 year-old Robert De Niro and his pregnant girlfriend Tiffany Chen, an elderly woman of 45, so the guys can reminisce about listening to The Lone Ranger on the radio. 

Older women rant about old men who date women that don't remember a time when you had to go to record stores to buy music, look up information in books, and wait until you got home before making a phone call. But is working as glorified call girls who call themselves movie producers any better?

And another thing. How do these old guys have the time to knock up their girlfriends when they're running to the bathroom every 20 minutes?

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For my previous piece on Al Pacino's love life, go here.

Wanna read about the time Al said "Goodnight" to me? Go here.