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| "I heard you paint houses. And while you're at it, could you get me my Miralax?" |
As Gene Pitney sang, true love never runs smooth. And that holds true even for the rich and famous. So it is with sorrow that the world learns Israeli actress Meital Dohan has parted ways with her boyfriend of two years, Al Pacino.
It wasn't because Dohan's loverboy lost the Golden Globe and Oscar for Best Supporting Actor to Brad Pitt. Such a move would be shallow even by show business standards. On second thought, no it wouldn't.
Al and Meital bit the dust because of the classic reason that has doomed many a relationship. Physical abuse? Sexual weirdness? His desire for midnight runs to Taco Bell? Uh-uh. The problem was, as the headlines explained, Al was old and stingy. Celebrities -- they're just like us!
A dissection is in order, so let's go with "stingy" first. According to Meital, the only gift Al ever gave her was flowers, asking rhetorically, "How can I say politely that he didn't like to spend money?" Well, Meital, you did a pretty good job right there! Otherwise, the impolite way would be to say, "Al was a cheap motherfucker." I mean, it felt impolite just typing that.
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| Now, a really rich person would have two moths flying out. |
Al's monetary expenditures should have come as no surprise. As a member of the entertainment business herself, Meital probably knows from experience that most people in her profession -- even her! -- likely share the same aversion to opening their wallet for any reason other than giving their insurance card to their doctor's receptionist. And you know why? They're always getting stuff for free!
Like all Oscar nominees this year, Al was gifted with the Academy swag bag which included, but wasn't limited to, a $78,000 luxury trip to Antarctica, along with vacations to Mexico, Hawaii and Spain; jewelry; something called a 24-karat bath bomb; and -- this is really important -- $25,000 worth of Botox, laser peels, and fillers. Oh, and a free private phone session with a life coach -- just in case they're still not happy.
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| It'd be funny if the car wound up like this. |
(While we're talking celebrity gifts, there's a fascinating piece on the Blind Gossip site about a certain actor -- not Pacino -- who went car shopping recently. He entered a Tesla dealership in L.A., pointed to the car of his choice, and demanded they give it to him. He didn't go away empty-handed.)
Get the picture? Forget about M-G-M's motto "Ars Gratis Artis." Hollywood's real aphorism is, The more you have, the less you spend. Remember, when they campaign for Democrats, dollars to donuts (not their dollars) they're voting Republican.
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| Wait -- are you sure that isn't Dustin Hoffman? |
As for Al being old... well, hell, didn't Meital realize that when they started dating two years when he was 77? That's quite an age gap, because, depending on what newspaper you read, Meital is either 40 or 43 (and you know which is at least closer to the truth). Or, to put it another way, she was likely born the same year Al made Bobby Deerfield.
Most any woman would get a good jonesing from being on Al Pacino's arm. Just how serious you take it is another thing. As Dohan said, "It's hard to be with a man so old, even Al Pacino. The age gap is difficult, yes, but I tried to deny it."
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| There was a train crash, but I tried to deny it. |
Honey, that's some serious denial. Like, at the intersection of stupidity and lying. And just to show how observant she is, Dohan added "But now he is already an elderly man, to be honest. So even with all my love, it didn't last."
Already an old man? Legally, he's been that way for 14 years! Did Meital wake up one day and say, "Holy cow, I just noticed, you're old! Why didn't you tell me?"
After sticking the shiv into his gut, Meital proceeds to gently remove it. "I had a fight with him and left him recently, but of course I really love and appreciate him, and I was glad to be there for him when he needed me, and" -- this is the kicker -- "to be part of his legacy."
Ummm… speaking as an objective outsider, it's my opinion that Al Pacino's legacy includes Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon, Godfather I & II, Glengarry Glen Ross, Heat, Donnie Brasco, Paterno, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, and The Irishman, Oscar or no. Dohan is simply an ex-girlfriend who went along for the ride until she decided it wasn't going to get any better. And compared to what the average younger guy offers, I bet what she got was pretty damn good.
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| No, she's out of order! |
Buck up, Meital. Maybe Al will give you that free gift card to chat with a life coach. He didn't have to pay for it.
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