MC HAMMERED

Just hit yourself on the head with it instead.

You might not have heard of Jo Koy before his ghastly monologue on the Golden Globes (the event better known as Oscar's drunk nephew). Yet going forward, you'll remember him as the guy who will forever be linked the word "bombed." 

I certainly never heard of him until the summer of 2022, when posters for his movie, Easter Sunday, were plastered on walls surrounding construction sites throughout my neighborhood. I figured he was a stand-up comic simply because he had the lead in a comedy. But even with all my ignorance of Jo Koy, I knew the movie had to suck for two reasons. 

First, it opened nowhere near Easter. (The same reason it was wise to skip Queen Latifah's Last Holiday, a Christmas movie that opened in January 2006). Second, Easter Sunday was released in August, one of two months that studios use as a dumping ground for crap -- the other being, you guessed it, January. 

Hosting awards shows can be a thankless job. And, when it comes to the scandal-ridden Golden Globes, unwanted as well. To show you how desperate the Globes folks were, Koy wasn't asked to host until a few days before Christmas.

Koy, then, had only two weeks to prepare a ten-minute monologue. Figure at least four jokes per minute, that's 40 jokes -- and 35 have to kill. The producers put Koy in a no-win position, when the best choice would have been to go hostless this year. Just ask -- beg -- Meryl Streep and Harrison Ford to make a nice, one-minute appearance at the top of the show before the trophies get handed out. I mean, if you need a comedian to bring eyeballs to the broadcast, nobody's really interested in it to begin with.

However, the sorry event can be considered, in the hackneyed phrase, a teachable moment for future newbie emcees:

1) Unless your name is Steve Martin, Billy Crystal, Tina Fey or Amy Poehler, you haven't earned the right to kid the audience with anything more than a gentle nudge in the ribs. 

2) Don't use Ricky Gervais as a role model. He isn't friends with anyone in that room. And unlike you, he isn't beholden to them for future work.

3) When a joke bombs, don't blame your writing staff.

4) When the next joke bombs, don't tell the audience they're wrong for not laughing.

5) Don't let them see you sweat.

6) Imitating Chris Rock's delivery rhythm doesn't make you Chris Rock.

7) Don't pause for applause that you think will come, because chances are it won't.

8) If you've been given only two weeks to prepare for your first primetime network TV appearance, tell them you're busy that night. Your P.R. person will thank you.

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