DYNAMIC DUMMIES

That little girl on the cup is laughing at you.

Until the other day, the only time I ever connected cars with food was how it's possible to pick up lunch without stepping out from behind your steering wheel. But now comes Wendy's co-opting Uber's surge pricing. The more people want those square burgers, more they're going to pay.  

In order to eliminate the idea that their loyal customers are getting ripped-off, Wendy's CEO Kirk Tanner refers to it as "dynamic pricing". That sounds exciting, doesn't it?  It was probably dreamed up by the same consulting firm who decided that "Citizens United" was a better name than "Oligarchs In Charge of Politics and Screw the Little Guy".

A Wendy's spokesman "explained" that surge pricing means raising prices when demand is highest, while dynamic pricing is increasing or decreasing prices depending on time and demand. Which sounds like price surging, only using the word "decreasing" for post-lunchtime orders. Damn clever people, those Wendy's spokesmen!

As with the Academy Awards, Top 40 music and $400 sneakers, I don't care about this. I've eaten at Wendy's only once in my life; the only reason I have any memory of it at all is due to how unmemorable it was. (It makes sense if you think about it.) 

And it's not like this is anything new. During my single days, I learned not to buy the chicken fried rice at the local Chinese take-out joint after 4:00 p.m. Instead, I got the lunch special, which included chicken fried rice, plus dumplings and soup, for less. Then I'd reheat it at home for dinner. Damn clever people, these Chinese food customers!

Believe it or not, there are people who
willingly put themselves through this all the time.

You can bet a packet of ketchup that other CEOs will be watching the Uber/Wendy's
model very carefully in order to make it work with their own businesses. Whole Foods, say, could automatically up their prices when their stores are most crowded. Here on the Upper East Side, that means after 4:00 p.m. Monday-Friday, 10 a.m.-4:00 p.m. on Saturdays, and any time after 9:00 a.m. on Sundays. This is why you see me do my shopping shortly after sunrise.

There's no reason for this idea to stop with cars and food. Lorne Michaels can introduce dynamic joking on Saturday Night Live by saving the best skits for after 12:15 a.m. in order to prevent the post-News Update ratings drop. It wouldn't cost viewers a thing other than 45 minutes of sleep. 

Don't forget dynamic pricing!

This dynamic pricing b.s. isn't quite as out of touch as the president of Kellogg's urging money-strapped folks to eat corn flakes for dinner. (He claims cereal-for-dinner is "on trend now" as if it were the latest Tik Tok challenge rather than yet another example of out-of-control class disparity.) If Wendy's fans are willing to pay an extra dollar or so for tasteless beef slathered in processed cheese product, then so be it. If not, they can always pick it up before going to work and reheat it in the office microwave. 

Then if enough people do that, those early-bird burger buys will drive up the price at breakfast time. Theoretically (or dynamically), this would drop the prices at noon. As customers return to their original lunchtime purchases to save a buck, the prices will rise once more. There'll be no escaping Wendy's pricing yo-yo, unless those folks wise up and pack their own lunch for half the price and twice the taste. But where's the dynamism in that?

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