THE SANCTITY OF PARTIES

 

Wish you were here. Nah, not really, we've got
other things planned.

My wife and I were pretty happy to get married on a beach in St. Thomas, Virgin
Islands. I mean, who wouldn't enjoy a wedding/honeymoon mash-up on a tropical island where the only extra cost came from flying in our mothers as witnesses, putting them up in a hotel, and sending them home a day or two later. Naturally, had it been up to me, we would have skipped the whole mothers part, but we won't go into that.

Not all couples are as easygoing as us. Some want to go the whole church and reception route. For most of these lovebirds, it comes down to a sincere wish (usually on the bride's part) to share their happiness with friends, family, and high school frenemies they want to make jealous. 

When a beautiful woman marries a fat homely guy,
you know it's true love... of money.

Then there's Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant of India, who last week decided that their love was so strong they needed a four-day, $600-million bash with 1,200 "friends" like Tony Blair, John Kerry, Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Jared Kushner & Ivanka Trump. Holy smokes, does the memory of our mothers in attendance at our wedding look like heaven now. 

Ten million bucks and he can't afford a shirt or
pants that fit?

Technically, the "celebration" started in May, when a cruise ship was charted to tootle guests around the Mediterranean, with entertainment provided by B-listers Backstreet Boys and Pitbull. Presumably everyone had a great time. I'd have jumped overboard. Had I been invited, that is.

Several weeks later, fading pop "star" Justin Bieber dazzled the ladies at another pre-wedding shindig, for which the ink stained, cash-starved man-child was allegedly paid $10-million, proving that money can't buy interesting entertainment. 

Jared and Ivanka introduce their daughter to
the groom's father and the world of
celebrity whoring.

This tacky display of ill-gotten fortune blessed ceremony, as well as the attendance of the celebrities you love to hate, was bought and paid for Anant's proud papa Mukesh Ambani, whose first three names might as well be "Asia's Richest Man" ($116-billion and counting). Mukesh's job is described as "industrialist", which usually means paying off the right people, which may or may not explain the appearance of Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi. Can't afford to tick off the real power behind the throne.

Don't blink or you'll miss it.

This over-the-top merriment reminds me of the sacred ceremony held by Russell Brand and Katy Perry some years back, where guests spent three days in India celebrating a marriage that ended 14 months later. And if it's true, as one therapist noted, it takes a year for a married couple to break up, Russ and Katy were on their way to Splitsville eight weeks after the ceremony. (Just to show you emotional a decision it was, Russ notified Katy of his intentions via text.) 

This bolsters my belief that the more expensive, gaudy, and celebrity-driven a wedding is, the less sincerity and chance of a long marriage. However, when the non-dishy son comes from the eighth-richest family in the world, exceptions are made. Love can be found in the strangest of places and oddest of couples, but always bet on the guy with the biggest bankroll and the worst taste.

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