1) CREATING LISTS ABOUT THE BIGGEST NEWS STORIES OF 2017: All you have to do is spend 20 minutes on Google comparing everybody else's list and averaging things out. Better than that, watch any of the news networks' lists, then do a slight rearrangement. It's all the same anyway. Besides, what else is there to talk about between Christmas and New Years Eve?
3) THE RETURN OF THE "CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS": Hey gang, remember Watergate? The press sure does. That's why everything Trump has ordered or uttered is described as a "constitutional crisis". It's reminiscent of the Left comparing every Republican president since Nixon to Hitler. Now that we've got someone in the White House who really is hugging dictators, referring to the press as "the enemy of the people", and passing off lies as truth, it's a case of the boy who cried "Adolf" once too often.
4) MISSING THE SEX HARRASSMENT FOREST FOR THE TREES: If you ever wanted to learn everything about the private lives of the movers and shakers in show business and the news world, the New York Times' list of men accused of sexual harassment and/or abuse (updated December 22) is the place to go. But what you haven't heard since the loathsome Harvey Weinstein got his comeuppance a few months ago is that the overwhelming majority of these men were not cave-dwelling troglodyte right-wingers, but are, in fact, proud "progressives". What is it about "progressive" showbiz guys that make them harass, abuse and rape women -- and, to be fair and balanced, "proud conservative" Republicans actually being pedophiles, adulterers and closeted gays? Moral: Don't trust any of 'em.
5) PAYING ATTENTION TO THE POLLS: Every major poll has Trump below 50% in the popularity contest. Ergo, we are told, Trump should resign. Because the people are right. However, I bet you my original 45 of "Ticket to Ride" that polls would have found overwhelming negative reaction to Jackie Robinson playing professional baseball in 1947, Pres. Harry Truman integrating the military in 1948, and the Supreme Court invalidating anti-interracial marriage laws in 1967. (Hell, it took Alabama -- of course! -- another 40 years to legalize interracial marriage.) And just to show you how sure I am of my bet, my "Ticket to Ride" 45 comes in its original picture sleeve and is credited as "From the United Artist Release 'Eight Arms to Hold You'", not Help!
6) AMERICA'S SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS: Remember the Las Vegas massacre in October? Oh yeah! I forgot about that! And remember how the FBI still hasn't released any new information about the shooter? Or that the hotel security guard was allowed to visit Mexico almost immediately? And then, when he returned, the FBI OK'd Ellen DeGeneres leading a softball interview with him? What about the other 306 other mass shootings in the U.S. (so far!) this year? And for the Alex Jones fans -- remember how his lawyer admitted that the Infowars ringmaster was just "a performance artist playing a character" and, therefore, shouldn't be believed? Pshaw, you say. What about warnings of how Trump's inauguration was going to cause a massive stock market crash? (You were probably too busy rejoicing over your IRA gains to remember.) There were probably plenty of others, but I forget.
7) CALIFORNIA GIVES UP ITS REPUTATION AS PARADISE: You know how commuting to work in New York can be hell on earth? In California, it really is.
88) LATE NIGHT COMEDY GOES POLITICAL: Only in the insular world of TV is it considered brave to make fun of Donald Trump. And if you hadn't had enough of it, Alec Baldwin is considering bringing his Trump shtick to Broadway in a one-man show. Roll over, John Barrymore, and tell Marlon Brando the news!
9) JOE SCARBOROUGH AND MIKA BREZENSKI TELL THE WORLD THEY'RE IN LOVE: And only five years after my daughter called it! This is going to make five marriages between them (second for her, third for him), so at least they've had experience. Too old to have kids, so maybe they'll adopt Willie Geist.
10) W.C. FIELDS REINCARNATED AS STEVE BANNON: The Bank Dick has become The Political Dick. Same light hair, same bad skin, same red nose, same fondness for hard liquor, same nihilistic approach to life, same motto: Never Give a Sucker an Even Break. Only Bannon isn't nearly as funny, brilliant, or original. BONUS NEWS STORY: THE WORLD DIDN'T COME TO AN END. But it wasn't for lack of trying. Watch out, 2018, here we come!
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