BREAKING NEWS: 12/22/2020

Actor and comedian Eddie Izzard has come forward to reveal that she will use “she” and “her” pronouns from here on out. “I’m gender fluid,” she said. “I just want to be based in girl mode from now on.”

In a poll taken immediately after the news was announced, one-third of the people responded, "Fine, whatever," another third said, "I thought Totie Fields was dead," while the rest asked, "Who the fuck is Eddie Izzard?"

 

"Stand and Deliver", a new single written by Van Morrison and recorded by Eric Clapton, and which calls COVID a lie and people who wear masks "slaves", sold 1,100 copies on its first weekend.

In related news, 1,100 Spotify users died of COVID on Monday morning.

 

In an appearance on Morning Joe, Sean Penn announced that his non-profit organization CORE will make it easier for people in Los Angeles to get COVID testing.

Following the interview, Penn returned to his homeless shelter.

Nuns pimped out boys to priests and politicians who would rape the children as other men watched at German children's home, it emerges, as one of the victims won a compensation battle.

A unnamed spokesman for the children's home admitted it was good that the nuns took the heat off pedophile priests.

 

Among the obscure provisions in the 5,000 page stimulus bill are for the creation of two new Smithsonian museums, the decriminalization of the unauthorized use of Smokey Bear, and increased penalties for illegally streaming movies.  

Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer told reporters that this should bring relief to sick, hungry, unemployed people who are on the verge of eviction. 

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