Friday, April 30, 2021

BREAKING NEWS: 4/30/2021

 New York mayoral candidate Scott Stringer has been accused by a former
staffer of sexual misconduct. Jean Kim claims that, 20 years ago, he repeatedly groped her while asking, "Why won't you fuck me?"

Asked for a comment, Stringer told reporters, "That's absurd. Anyone with one good eye would know why they wouldn't want to fuck me."

 

Feven Kiflegiorgis, a news anchor of the Fox network's Las Vegas affiliate, made an on-air apology after being found passed out drunk and naked in her Audi.

The arresting officer said that Kiflegiorgis was definitely fair and really nicely balanced.



In Georgia, former deputy Cody Griggers bragged in a text to a right-
wing extremist group that he had beaten up a black man and was charging black people with felonies so they couldn't vote

Republican Georgia governor Brian Kemp thanked Griggers for his service.


In New York, Elon Musk is challenging Uber and Lyft by providing Tesla vehicles for Revel's new ride-sharing service.

Musk promises to improve Tesla's reputation by making sure they kill people only during every other crash.

 

Police in Queens, New York arrested a man accused of threatening a FedEx
driver with a bow and arrow
.

Mayor de Blasio told reporters, "This arrest proves that our crackdown on gun violence is working."




Sarah Arauco and Dagner Rojas, two YouTube "influencers", fell 12-storys to their deaths in Bolivia in what police believe was a murder-suicide.

Normal people hope this will influence more influencers to kill themselves.

 

Space researchers told reporters that sex would be difficult for
astronauts going to Mars and other distant planets
.

NASA officials said there won't be a problem if they're married couples. 




                                                              ****************

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

OSCAR SO DULL

(Note: This will be the only Oscar piece that doesn't make the Union Station/trainwreck joke.)

Nobody told Reese Witherspoon that this wasn't an
Oscar show anyone wants to remember.
Judging by the looks of everybody at the Oscars, it seems like -- for the first time! -- the participants mirrored what viewers have felt for decades. Finally -- finally! -- they realize just how boring, empty, and archaic the whole farce really is. 

Under 10 million households watched the event on Sunday evening. One of them was mine, although I surrendered at 9:15, and likely would have done the same at 6:15 had I lived on the West Coast. That's anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes shorter than I usually last, depending on the host. 

Or Bob Hope when he was funny 75 years ago.
Wait, host? What host? Not this year because serious times call for even duller awards.  Funny guys like Billy Crystal, Steve Martin and Jimmy Kimmel act as the representative of viewers who watch not to applaud but mock

The hosts aren't as vicious as the rest of us, of course, but even the gentlest of japes feel like hot pokers in the eyes of the entitled in the audience.

 Co-producer Steven Soderbergh promised the Oscars would look different.  As he explained, “It’s going to feel like a movie in that there’s an overarching theme that’s articulated in different ways throughout the show. So the presenters are essentially the storytellers for each chapter.”

Mission: Unnecessary
Well, it seemed like a movie, that's for sure, with its letterbox screen ratio, and a shot-on-film look. Unfortunately, Soderbergh didn't get the irony of a live broadcast appearing -- how you say -- not live.

Once you got past the first few minutes of thinking, Hey, this looks interesting, it became more like, This looks like a movie about a very dull awards ceremony. So at least Soderbergh got that right.

Jerry plays "Taps" to his Oscar-hosting
career.

You know how else Soderbergh & Co. made it look cinematic? It was too damn long! No host, no production numbers, no unfunny banter between presenters -- and it still ran almost 20 minutes over its allotted three-hours!

Oh, how I yearn for Oscarcast of 1959, which was condemned for running 20 minutes short of its two-hour -- TWO HOUR -- allotted airtime. Everybody blamed host Jerry Lewis, when they should have given him an award for it.


But this movie doesn't live in
anybody's memory.
To give the Oscars its paltry due, the affair is truly in a no-win situation. With movies like The Greatest Show on Earth, The Sound of Music, The English Patient, and Out of Africa winning Best Picture, the cry went out: "They always give the Oscar to the most popular, not the best!"

So when Oscar decides it's time to shake the dust from his tiny gold shoulders and go home with Birdman, Parasite, and this year, Nomadland, the complaint becomes, "Nobody heard of these movies!" In fact, they said that about all of the 2021 releases.  


Laugh it up, Glenn -- you're still gonna lose. Again.
However, the idea of holding the ceremony at Union Station (which, apparently by law, you can't mention without adding "art deco") was an excellent choice. Cozy, classy, different -- and did I mention art deco? Everything that the Oscars' usual home, the
Dolby Theatre™, lacks. It'll be a shame when it likely returns next year. At least the homeless people won't have to "relocate" (as if they volunteered for the good for the industry) from there like they did Union Station

"Look, I'm hugging the black guy! And there's
a Chinese lady! Now will you watch?"
Oscar desperately wants to be relevant to the next generation of moviegoers -- the ones who support those "tentpole" movies, but whose idea of entertainment otherwise leans toward watching people play video games

 

 This leads to yet another irony of the newly-inclusive Academy Awards. Now that more non-white people are getting nominated -- the whole idea of which was to attract younger eyeballs -- the event's lowest-rated ratings ever confirm that the kids don't care.

This leads to a profound philosophical question: If Academy Awards are handed out in a theater and nobody watches, do they really exist?


 

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Monday, April 26, 2021

DEEP TIME, SHALLOW RESULTS

Great, more for the rest of us!
Unlike right-wingers and religionists, I tend to listen to well-educated people who know more than me regarding science and medicine. 

It's very simple: I don't tell them how pandemics should be treated, they don't tell me which pre-code movies are worth watching.

But then... there are times when I wonder if these very smart people have just a little too much time on their hands. 

There are plenty of New Yorkers who would gladly
trade their studio apartments for a drafty cave this big.

Recently, 15 volunteers in France took part in an experiment consisting of living in a cave for 40 days without any contact with the outside world. To quote the news report: Scientists at the Human Adaption Institute leading the 1.2 million-euro (£1.05 million) 'Deep Time' project say the experiment will help them better understand how people adapt to drastic changes in living conditions and environments, something much of the world can relate to because of the coronavirus pandemic.

Hey, I was living in a scientific
experiment all along! Where's my
cut of the 1.2-million euros?
Not to be a nitpicker, but couldn't they have accomplished the same thing with half the amount of money by interviewing a couple dozen people who spent the last year adapting to drastic changes in living conditions? LIKE ALL OF US?!

And guess what the volunteers' biggest takeaway was after living in a cave  without clocks or electric lights for over five weeks? Time seemed to pass more slowly. As it did for, oh, EVERYBODY ELSE LAST YEAR!   

Over one million of those euro-things to reach conclusions you've known the last 12 months? Surely there must have been better ways to spend that kind of scratch. Like splitting the money among 15 people who lost their jobs. Do you know how many escargots your average French citizen could buy with 66,000 euros? A beaucoup amount, that's how many! 

And if they got tired of snails swimming in Pouilly-Fuisse, they could indulge in espresso and Gauloises to their cœur's content. Maybe it would take their minds off protesting the whatever their latest grievance is. Which by rights should be scientists blowing money on useless studies.

I think this is from Alphaville, but really, it
could be any French movie from the '60s.

Maybe another study could learn why French movies are boring and self-indulgent. Did everybody in the industry suddenly start dropping downers and reading Proust 24/7? Or should we just blame it on Jean-Luc Godard. 

Lord knows I tried enjoying Godard "classics", like Alphaville and A Bout de Souffle (which I thought would be a delightful comedy about an egg lover). I even checked out his 1987 take on King Lear, featuring those eminent Shakespearean thespians Norman Mailer, Molly Ringwald and Woody Allen. 

From this trio of movies alone, I discovered there were only three reactions any normal person would have to anything directed by Godard:

                                      Falling asleep.

                                      Going for popcorn and never returning.

                                      Muttering What the fuck is this? for two hours. 

 

Go ahead, you try a direct
translation of The Disorderly
Orderly.

How is it that the French movie industry -- hell, all of France  -- has genuflected at the spastic feet of Jerry Lewis, yet never released a comedy that anybody outside their country can name off the top of their heads? 

None of this is to demean the country itself. My family and I had a wonderful time biking through the South of France some years ago. And it was the first time I ordered bull at a restaurant. (If you're wondering, bull tastes like a really powerful steak.) 

Nope, France is fine. It's just that, like all countries, there are always better ways to spend its money. Their scientists have un ouvrir l'invitation to swing by my place if they want to set up a study on drastic changes in living.

Check it out: We just got a new cable box/DVR that can store even more movies than our last one. You know what 40 days worth of TCM can do to one's perception of time?

Wait, don't tell the scientists. I want those million euros for myself.

                                                      ******************

Friday, April 23, 2021

MOVIE OF THE DAY: "CRIME WITHOUT PASSION" (1934)

As the Greek Furies of vengeance swoop over New York in search of their next victim -- yes, you read that right -- they land in a courtroom where Lee Gentry, the self-described "Champion of the Damned", is smoothly clearing another (guilty) client charged with murder.

But what Grant doesn't count on is eventually firing a trigger. Having accidentally shot his ex-flame Carmen Brown, Grant must now use every trick he's ever used to clear himself of murder. 

Retracing his steps, destroying some pieces of evidence while creating others, he appears to be on the verge of his greatest triumph yet -- emphasis on "appears". No wonder why the Furies are laughing like Greek hyenas.

 

Would you trust this man to clear you of
murder?
 The first of Ben Hecht and Charles MacArthur's four picture deal with Paramount, Crime Without Passion was also Claude Rains' first movie following his talkie debut in The Invisible Man, thus allowing audiences a view of the face behind the voice. 

While his (apparent) toupee and Snidely Whiplash mustache are initially distracting -- perhaps he's supposed to look like a caricature of the archetypal sleazy lawyer -- Rains' silky delivery, matched with his undeniable talent quickly put any trepidation aside. 

"Look at me when I'm lying to you!"
Rains also convincingly plays Grant as a self-pitying cad juggling two women at once. The first, Whitney Bourne, is a high society dame, while his sidepiece, Carmen Brown, dances at a Times Square nightclub.  Carmen threatens suicide after being cut loose, leading to the chain of events that puts the crafty lawyer in jeopardy.

 

 

Never trust a lawyer you can see through.
Grant panics -- he's not used to being on this side of a crime. Only one person is smart enough to provide advice: himself, appearing in ghostly form, reminding Grant of all the ways he's gotten clients off the hook. He obviously never heard the cliche about a person acting as his own lawyer having a fool for a client. But at least Grant is a classy fool.

 

They're more interesting than pigeons flying,
overhead, that's for sure.
More than other Hecht-MacArthur pictures, Crime Without Passion is
often a technical marvel, thanks to cinematographer/associate director Lee Garmes, and  Slavko Vorkapich, who helped create the montages and remarkable prologue of the Furies wreaking havoc over Manhattan. Bizarre today, they must have been overwhelming in 1934.



MacArthur (left) and Hecht (right)
buttonhole their star.
 Crime Without Passion has a few in- jokes for observant audiences. Hecht and MacArthur share a cameo as newspaper reporters -- their original profession --  talking to Grant following another courtroom triumph. That's one way of keeping production costs down.



Helen Hayes notices the camera while
Fanny Brice seems to be scrolling through
her 1934 iPhone.
Another surprise for the sharp-eyed are Broadway stars Fanny Brice and Helen Hayes sitting in a theater lobby as Grant creates an alibi. Further in-jokes: Hayes was married to MacArthur, while Brice's "Baby Snooks" character was parodied earlier in the movie by another actor. These private japes are almost as dizzying as the montages.

 

 

What's the matter with these kids today?
  Filmed at Paramount's Long Island City studio, along with a handful of West Side location shots, Crime Without Passion drags only when the character of Carmen Brown is onscreen, due to her syrupy dialogue, and the fact that her portrayer, Margo (yes, just Margo) was only 16. Her whiplash dance routine, where it appears her head is ready to fly off, more than makes up for it.

 

 

As with the other Hecht-MacArthur Paramount productions, Crime Without Passion is unavailable on DVD but easy to find on YouTube (in a somewhat muddy print) and Ok.Ru video in far better condition here. It's one of the few movies on this blog where "you've never seen anything like it" is a compliment. Just watch out for the Furies. They take no prisoners.

                                                       ***************************

Another Hecht-MacArthur production, Soak the Rich, can be found here.

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

TWICE THE AGE AT HALF THE PRICE

Me at two years old, believing life was
good. You can still find me stumbling
around the house in a  wrinkled
black sweatshirt and worn out jeans.

There's an old joke told by too many people who've reached a certain age: If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

My version is a little different: If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have told people exactly what I thought of them, had the courage to lead a more interesting life, and gotten laid a lot more than I did. It isn't very funny, but neither is the first joke.

But what's interesting now that I've turned 65 is that I find myself speaking my mind more than I used to. And just by being married I've had more adventures than I did when single. As for getting laid more... well, that's the trade off for getting married.


Yeah, I know everybody takes the "Hey, I
got the vaccine!" bandage selfie. But hey,
I got the vaccine!
There are other perks to turning 65, even in New York. I finally qualified for the COVID vaccination, for one thing. And I didn't have to schlep out to Brooklyn or Queens for the deed. Instead, it was a quick subway trip to the Duane Reade drugstore at -- gulp -- Port Authority, which is like having a five-star meal at your local homeless shelter. In fact, when I was there for my second shot, a cop was threatening to arrest a suspicious-looking fellow for loitering, which at least provided some distraction.

My side effects were relatively mild: 36 hours of sore arm, mild aches and chills, along with a general rundown feeling. It was just enough to justify my wife making dinner two nights in a row. I look forward the third booster shot coming this fall for a repeat of her feat, which otherwise occurs as often as a total eclipse in any given area of the world (according to NASA, once every 360 years). 

There it is at the bottom of the MetroCard receipt:
SENIOR CITIZEN. Not so loud, not so loud!
Another treat for old folks is qualifying for the half-price MetroCard, allowing us to use public transit for $1.35 rather than the usual $2.75 (at least until the next fare hike). Although I signed up the day after my birthday, I'm still waiting for it to arrive. To tide me over, I received a temporary card. 

While I knew how to use the onsite credit card machine in order to fill it, the MTA employee "helpfully" guided me through the process like I was a doddering 90 year-old. In doing so, I briefly became genuinely confused so that he thought he was doing the right thing, which I really hate.

I opted for the automatic refill for my permanent MetroCard, so that I'm charged on my Amex every time I go through the turnstile. This way, I'll never have to worry about being caught short. Other side of the coin: I'll never remember how much I'm spending until I'm socked with the bill every month.

But, y'know, it was worth the price.
It took me all this time to remember that I could have been using the AARP discount at some car rental agencies since I qualified fifteen years ago! Last Friday's rental came with a bonus: my very first flat tire on the way home! 

Thank God for the kindness of strangers, because I'd still be somewhere in New Jersey waiting for roadside help, wondering why I didn't use the Amtrak senior citizen discount.

                                                     *************

Thursday, April 8, 2021

TRUMP IS THE DRUG

And if Trump isn't available, show his casino going down.
Did you notice that wonderful silence after the Biden inauguration? For several weeks, the endless pontificating, yowling, squawking of the former president, suddenly over. As if somebody just pulled a switch to Off, Goddammit, Off!

It was a beautiful thing... while it lasted. Then, gradually, in the last couple of weeks, it's been sneaking back -- clips of Trump crashing a wedding or trashing a Democrat. A sitdown with his daughter in law, a sound-off with Sean Hannity. All dutifully repeated on the other networks, occasionally bolstered by the ticker-tape headline starting with the words TRUMP SAYS.

Fox News, I get. They need to keep their Wehrmacht viewers fat and happy. But CNN? MSNBC? Still treating the opinions, actions, and premature verbal ejaculations of a private citizen as newsworthy? Where do I go for that red carpet?

Where did our love go?
Les Moonves (CBS president) and Jeff Zucker (CNN president) were right when they said, in so many words, America be damned, the presidency of Donald Trump would be good for their businesses. And now that he's out of office, the news people are going through withdrawals -- as are, unfortunately, many of their viewers. They're hooked to Trumpus Cannabis. 

Let us sing, then, to the tune of the Roxy Music classic "Love is the Drug":

'Tain't no big news to talk about Trump's dumb views
'Tain't no big news but we'll do it now.

Aggravating us for years
He trolls us now, til we're in tears
Thumps us, beats us up, we say "more",
Trump is the drug and we're all the whore.


Showing up, talking trash when on Fox --
Ratings up, Donald really rocks
We're uptight -- make a fuss
Trump is the drug, got his hooks in us.


Oh, take his crap
Trump is the drug that we like to tap.
Oh, he's our weed
Trump is the drug we need

Ev'ry night we'll quote him here
Word for word and for years and years
We hate him, so do you
But you'll watch like you always do.

Rachel M., Tapper, too --
Their furrowed brow: nothing new
Trump says jump, we go high
We bow our heads, then we heave a sigh.


Oh, take his crap
Trump is the drug that we like to tap
Oh, let's discuss:
Trump is the drug, got his hooks in us.

 
Oh, take his shit
Trump is the drug that we need to hit.
Oh, we're all nuts --
Trump is the drug for us.

Monday, April 5, 2021

#GOOSE IS COOKED

It's a time of change in American culture, with old standards being questioned or overturned. Whether it's fat jokes, casual sexism, or racist humor, what was part of every day entertainment is accepted no more. We might be fast approaching the time to witness the elimination of the works by of the most famous poets of all -- ironically, the woman known as Mother Goose. 

Let's see how three of America's most prominent news personalities are dealing with it.


MIKA BRZEZINSKI: Long time viewers of Morning Joe know that two of my
passions are empowering women and shining a light on eating disorders, something I've suffered from throughout my life. But we should remember that men, too, are no strangers to conditions like anorexia. But what happens when both people in a relationship literally feed into each other's disorders?

I'm talking about Mr. & Mrs. Jack Spratt. Jack is a vegan who eats as little as possible, while his wife is the opposite -- a carnivore who consumes nothing but fatty foods. So desperate is Jack for nutrition, and his wife for fats, that they literally lick the platter clean at every meal.

We've explained countless times how these eating disorders have their roots in psychological problems dealing with self-worth. For Jack, it's as if he he sees himself in a funhouse mirror, appearing grotesquely fat. His wife, on the other hand, seems to be on an endless quest to fill a void in her life. 

What can be done about these diseases that play no favorites when it comes to the sexes? Well, I'm going to be holding a virtual seminar on May 2. Called "Live It: Know Your Eating Values", it's a way for men and women to find their truths regarding their diets. And we're calling it "Live It" because it's the opposite of "Diet". I want all the Spratts out there to remember there's hope for them. Instead of licking the platter clean, let's eat with awareness.

 

RACHEL MADDOW: There's a report from the Associated Press that should give us all pause. It seems there's a man named -- and I'm not making this up -- Peter Peter. 

Hm. Peter Peter -- whether this is a family tradition, or just a way to emphasize his "peter" the way many insecure men do -- I'm looking at you, Mr. Former President -- is not known.  

Anyway. This Peter Peter -- who it says here is a "pumpkin eater" -- is that a new sport, competitive pumpkin eating? -- is married to... well, his wife's name is not given, so let's call her Mrs. Peter Peter for the time being. Mrs. Peter Peter -- I can't believe I just said that -- Mrs. Peter Peter appears to be separated from from Mr. Peter Peter. Although whether it was her choice or not is questionable.

Because Mr. Peter Peter apparently lost his job as a competitive pumpkin eater during the pandemic and can no longer care for her. Which would be a sad thing -- if it were true. But the report states that "Peter Peter couldn't keep her". That's right, "keep her" -- as if she were, oh, I don't know, a dog, or a vacuum cleaner. Or a plunger! What about a plunger? Everybody keeps plungers, right? The "bathroom bowl" sometimes needs to get unstuck once in a while, right? It's good to keep a plunger handy.

Now Peter Peter -- or Peter Squared, as I prefer -- is living in the house while Mrs. Peter Squared has been moved to -- and I'm not making this up -- a pumpkin shell. That's right. You heard me. In the year 2021, a woman has been thrown out of the house she formerly shared with her husband and is now living in a pumpkin shell. Because Peter Squared apparently has a surplus of pumpkin shells! Lots of composting drop-offs have been shut down the last year due to COVID, so the shells have been piling up like hail stones in a Texas tornado.

Closed composting stations is one thing. But forcing your wife to l move into a pumpkin shell, where she supposedly lives "very well"... and have it accepted by society? This is Donald Trump's America. Now, I know Donald Trump has been out of office for two months. But the ills created by his four years in office continues to reverberate, and will likely continue to for years, perhaps decades, to come. 

Americans -- American women -- living in pumpkin shells.

We'll be right back.

 

TUCKER CARLSON: In tonight's edition of culture wars, we study the case of Billy Boy, An unusual name, but there's nothing wrong with that. I know I've been on the receiving end of japes concerning my name from the left because, I don't know, it isn't something rappers would have, like MC Druggie or Lil Jackass. 

But back to Billy Boy. It appears that the left is coming after Mr. Boy because of his admittedly unusual living arrangement with his wife. Mr. Boy's wife lives with her mother, while he presumably lives alone. He's said to visit her regularly. It's none of our business if these are conjugal visits, or whether they have an old-fashioned relationship, one that was fairly common in America from the 18th-century right through the Panic of 1893. 

In other words, nothing to see here, folks. Unless... you're a paid-up member of the MeToo movement. Then Billy Boy becomes public enemy number one, guilty without benefit of trial, and worthy of the death penalty that the left otherwise decries for murderers and terrorists. Even as the target of their wrath is nicknamed by his friends "Charming Billy", and who describes his wife as "the joy of my life".

So why is the MeToo crowd calling for Billy Boy's head? Because his wife is described as "a young girl". Now what does that mean? Well, the age of consent in over half the states is 16. And that's not just in the South, where the left seems to believe that girls are chattel for their male relatives, but all of the liberal Northeast, including New York. That's right.  You can have sexual intercourse with a high school sophomore on the Upper East Side, and take her out for bagel and lox at Zabar's in the morning.

So when they dredge up the 40 year-old story of Woody Allen having an affair with a 17 year-old girl who made the first move, remember that he wasn't breaking the law. By the way, remember when the left loved Woody Allen? If you're too young to remember, look up the New York Times slobbering reviews of his movies from way back when, including Manhattan, where Allen's character was sleeping with a 16 year-old! The Times didn't have a problem with it then.

Now as I stated at the top of this piece, we don't know if Mr. & Mrs. Boy are engaging in sexual relations. I would say it's unlikely, given that she lives with her mother. I mean, why not get a room at one of those by-the-hour motels? It certainly provides more privacy. But again, until we know all the facts, Billy Boy being married to what is described as "a young girl" -- and to me, a 25 year-old is a young girl -- we should let them lead their lives. As long as they don't implicate me. Because I don't recall meeting his wife in any context.

                                                   ********************

Friday, April 2, 2021

BREAKING NEWS: 4/2/2021

A Justice Department investigation into Representative Matt Gaetz and an indicted Florida politician is focusing on their involvement with multiple women who were recruited online for sex and received cash payments.

"Look at me," Gaetz told reporters. "If anybody has to pay the price for fucking me, it's women!"

 

Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody has dropped out of the upcoming movie biography of Madonna.

Cody explained that until sobering up, she was under the impression she was working with Steve Buscemi.

 

At a political forum on Wednesday, GOP congressional candidate Sery
Kim falsely suggested that Chinese immigrants bring the coronavirus to the United States - and suggested that she opposes their entry to the US
.

 When informed that Kim is a Korean-American woman, neither Democrats nor Republicans quite knew how to respond.

 

In the wake of the controversial HBO series Allen vs Farrow, longtime supporters of Allen say they were “sickened” to learn that one of Farrow’s daughters has been erased from a photograph on Mia's Twitter page.

Farrow explained, "Just a warning to the rest of my brats: you kill yourself, you're out of the picture, literally!"


The female mummy Takabuti died about 2,600 years ago after being
stabbed in the back with an axe, not a knife as previously claimed, according to a new study
.

 Immediately following the announcement, #CANCEL PHARAOHS and #SOMEBODY'S MUMMY started trending on Twitter.

 

 

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