TWICE THE AGE AT HALF THE PRICE

Me at two years old, believing life was
good. You can still find me stumbling
around the house in a  wrinkled
black sweatshirt and worn out jeans.

There's an old joke told by too many people who've reached a certain age: If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

My version is a little different: If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have told people exactly what I thought of them, had the courage to lead a more interesting life, and gotten laid a lot more than I did. It isn't very funny, but neither is the first joke.

But what's interesting now that I've turned 65 is that I find myself speaking my mind more than I used to. And just by being married I've had more adventures than I did when single. As for getting laid more... well, that's the trade off for getting married.

Yeah, I know everybody takes the "Hey, I
got the vaccine!" bandage selfie. But hey,
I got the vaccine!

There are other perks to turning 65, even in New York. I finally qualified for the COVID vaccination, for one thing. And I didn't have to schlep out to Brooklyn or Queens for the deed. Instead, it was a quick subway trip to the Duane Reade drugstore at -- gulp -- Port Authority, which is like having a five-star meal at your local homeless shelter. In fact, when I was there for my second shot, a cop was threatening to arrest a suspicious-looking fellow for loitering, which at least provided some distraction.

My side effects were relatively mild: 36 hours of sore arm, mild aches and chills, along with a general rundown feeling. It was just enough to justify my wife making dinner two nights in a row. I look forward the third booster shot coming this fall for a repeat of her feat, which otherwise occurs as often as a total eclipse in any given area of the world (according to NASA, once every 360 years). 

There it is at the bottom of the MetroCard receipt:
SENIOR CITIZEN. Not so loud, not so loud!

Another treat for old folks is qualifying for the half-price MetroCard, allowing us to use public transit for $1.35 rather than the usual $2.75 (at least until the next fare hike). Although I signed up the day after my birthday, I'm still waiting for it to arrive. To tide me over, I received a temporary card. 

While I knew how to use the onsite credit card machine in order to fill it, the MTA employee "helpfully" guided me through the process like I was a doddering 90 year-old. In doing so, I briefly became genuinely confused so that he thought he was doing the right thing, which I really hate.

I opted for the automatic refill for my permanent MetroCard, so that I'm charged on my Amex every time I go through the turnstile. This way, I'll never have to worry about being caught short. Other side of the coin: I'll never remember how much I'm spending until I'm socked with the bill every month.

But, y'know, it was worth the price.

It took me all this time to remember that I could have been using the AARP discount at some car rental agencies since I qualified fifteen years ago! Last Friday's rental came with a bonus: my very first flat tire on the way home! 

Thank God for the kindness of strangers, because I'd still be somewhere in New Jersey waiting for roadside help, wondering why I didn't use the Amtrak senior citizen discount.

                                                     *************