BREAKING NEWS: 2/2/2022

Whoopi Goldberg has been suspended from The View for insisting the Holocaust was simply a white-on-white crime. 

Golberg took to her Twitter account to write, "Why didn't somebody tell me that Hitler didn't go after Catholics, Protestants, and Episcopalians?"

Alec Baldwin will be a hosting a podcast devoted to true crimes.

The podcast is titled Utterly Oblivious Moron on the Upper West Side.

Musician Nils Lofgren has pulled his music from Spotify over Joe Rogan's interviews with COVID anti-vaxxers.

Lofgren told reporters, "I'm going to miss that $50 check at the end of the year, but it's worth it. Now make sure you link my name to Neil Young when you write about this."

Current and former employees of Vice News have taken to social media to slam its parent company, Vice Media, after it was revealed that the company organized a $20 million music festival in the Saudi Arabian desert three years after it vowed to cease operations in the country over its poor human rights record.

Asked for a comment, a spokesman for the company explained, "We're called Vice for a reason."

A study by Johns Hopkins professors states that the pandemic lockdown had
little or no effect on COVID deaths.

Asked for a comment, Secretary of Health & Human Services Xavier Becerra chuckled, "You gotta admit, though, it was fun hanging around the house in sweatpants for a year, right?"

In the Swedish town of Södertälje, crows have been trained to clean the streets of cigarette butts.

As a town council representative explained, crows do the job that pheasants don't want.

AT&T announced it was spinning off WarnerMedia, thus cutting its shareholder dividends in half.

The company quickly reassured customers that it would continue to provide poor service in subways, tunnels, and areas further than 50 miles from the nearest city.

In a traditional Groundhog Day event, Puxatawny Phil saw his shadow,  predicting six more weeks of winter.

His counterpart in the nation's capital saw the front page of the Washington Post and predicted six more decades of political infighting and extremism, followed by the collapse of society as we know it.

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