MISSILE WHILE YOU WORK

That's what you think,
laughing boy.

In an attempt to cheer up his listeners during World War II, reporter Gabriel Heatter would open his nightly radio program with, "Ah yes, there's good news tonight!"

You're not hearing anything like that in these dark days of what a columnist for the Wall Street Journalist refers to as World War 2 1/2. In fact, the closest any newsie gets to good news is speculation about finding off-ramps for Putin, like they're looking at their Waze instead of listening to his words. 

Remember what I said the other day about "experts"? How, right from the get-go, they got the invasion wrong even as the Russian military was lining up at the Ukraine border? 

I'm not putting a dime into a country
best known for a YouTube channel
called "Stupid Russian Car Crashes".

It reminded me of the time when, roughly 20 years ago, an investor suggested I put my money in Russia because that was going to be the next big market. I reminded him that things there were going south economically. 

Mr. Money Pants metaphorically stuck his thumbs behinds his suspenders and replied, "Well, yes, but it has to change." I replied sagely, "Maybe it has to. But it doesn't have to." He got the drift.

Well, now the news jockeys are getting the drift, too. Where they once described Putin's threats as "bluster", now they're warning us it's "more than bluster". Welcome to the club, boys! And tell me again how you got your jobs.

I'm not here to be a complete downer, because there's one ray of sunshine. At least for me. Steven Schwartz, the author of Atomic Audit: The Costs and Consequences of U.S. Nuclear Weapons Since 1940, listed the most likely U.S. targets of a Russian missile attack. 

Montana and South Dakota, home of Minuteman Missiles, are in the lead. But Schwartz lists a few others:

Notice that the Big Apple isn't big enough for Putin? Yup, the city that never sleeps will apparently sleep soundly when the rockets fly. The world metropolis now seems to be Aspen, with Alburquerque, Bangor, Chalmette, and Provo bringing up the rear. (Washington doesn't count, since we already knew it was doomed.)

My friends in Los Angeles seem to have nothing to fear, either. I'd have thought that the Kremlin figured out Americans didn't care about fresh fruits, vegetables, and clean water, but can't go a day without their daily fix of sitcoms, action movies, cartoons, and The Bachelor. 

Yup, I can breathe a little easier now, at least until the fallout from D.C. arrives over the Upper East Side. Good thing we stocked up on masks during the pandemic! See, some good came out of that little problem after all. Now let me ponder the positive side effects of radiation poisoning.

 Wait, I know! Not living to hear pundits making the wrong predictions about the 2024 presidential election. Ah yes, there is good news tonight!

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