THE TERRIBLE TWO

Now that we're winding down toward the moment where the two main political parties will decide who should be the leader of the free world, let's take a look at our choices.

HILLARY CLINTON: As Hillary seems to be asking, what more can be said? Just go to The Atlantic's "Clinton scandal list". Even if some of them turned out to be not war crime-worthy, the question remains: What the hell is it about the Clintons that attract more dirty linen than the laundry chute at a condo for feral hogs? (Remember when Chelsea used her name to get a short-lived, $600,000 job as an NBC News "reporter"?) 

Even Chelsea's husband lost $25-million of investors' money betting on the financial recovery of Greece -- which even a neophyte like me knew was like putting money on a horse named Glue Factory. Glad to see she's inherited her mom's taste in trustworthy men.

As for the email investigation, residents of Hillaryworld are undoubtedly chanting, "No indictment! We win!" But it only takes a glance at FBI Director James Comey's comments to understand that "no trial" doesn't mean "not guilty." This screenshot sums things up rather nicely:

Translation: Hillary lied like a mutha. Again. And again. And again. And again. But as the pundits say, that's all "baked in" to her public persona -- rather like a frittata made with goat spleen, curdled milk and rancid bologna. Dig in, people!

DONALD J. TRUMP: Forget about how he uses bankruptcy laws to forgo paying his bills. The ego that could smother a blue whale. The ability to offend every minority group outside of aborigines (and that's only because he's never heard of them). An oratorical skill that makes you question from which end diarrhea is supposed to eject.  A campaign staff that thinks the "Neo" in "Neo-Nazis" means "Not Enough Of." Forget all that now.

All you need to know is that Ku Klux Klan pinup boy David Duke is comfortable enough with Trump's positions that he's volunteered to be his vice-president. His reasoning? "It'd be Trump's best LIFE INSURANCE.The Zio NeoCon Mossad boys would not dare touch him if I was heartbeat from Presidency." You're off the hook, Newt!

To sum up: here are your choices, earthlings. 

• A woman whose presidency guarantees four to eight years of soap opera (Will Hillary forgive Bill for his latest dalliance? Will the press finally give up their demands that she speak to them? And who is Chelsea's real father? Tune into tomorrow's episode of As the Clintons Turn), mistrust, a pathological desire for sketchy money, and a failed attempt to revive To Tell the Truth.
• A man who appeals to people who nostalgically use "ovens" and "Jews" in the same sentence; who possesses the good taste of a drunk exposing himself on the #6 local; and whose ability to improvise during a speech is comparable to a jazz musician suffering from irreparable brain damage. When Trump promises an "unbelievable" presidency, he's not kidding.

A big thank you the electorate for choosing two people who set the bar lower than an amputated ant. You justify both my acute cynicism and the quiet joy in the knowledge that each day brings me one step closer to my death. 

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