MAKE AMERICA CLINTON AGAIN

Tune into any news network, and you'll hear the same mantras: It's been a horrible two weeks for Donald Trump. It's been a terrible month for Donald Trump. It's been a revolting six weeks for Donald Trump.

Yes, yes, yes, all true. Charges of racism, antisemitism, fraud,outsourcing, and, even worse, bad taste have been accurately leveled at the (all together now) presumptive Republican presidential nominee. Hoo boy, the guy's gotta be so far down in the polls, he's going to reach his bete noir China without the use of a shovel.

So how come the Real Clear Politics average of the major polls has Hillary Clinton up over Trump by only 4.6 points? And that many of the polls show them in a statistical tie? 

To quote the title of the NPR quiz show
-- wait, wait, don't tell me! It's because of statements like the one Hillary's campaign put out over the (of course!) holiday weekend -- that she had given a "voluntary" three-and-a-half hour interview to the FBI regarding her sketchy email server. 

Sure, everybody "volunteers" to go through a third-degree by the Feds. The same way a drunk volunteers to knock back a bottle of Thunderbird for breakfast, or Americans volunteer to pay taxes, or you or I might volunteer to get food poisoning after unwittingly eating salmonella-infected chicken.

At least people can trust Donald Trump to say stupid things. Nobody can trust Hillary Clinton period. Which is three fewer who actually like her.

As her campaign managers once again struggle to reintroduce the woman we've known since "Baby Got Back" topped the charts, the time has come to come up with some new slogans in order to win over an increasingly skeptical electorate.

I'M WITH HER (NOT NECESSARILY WHOLEHEARTEDLY, BUT Y'KNOW, JUST BECAUSE)!

NEVER STARTED CLINTON UNIVERSITY

SHE USED TO BE AN ANTI-SEMITE, AND EVEN THEN ONLY ALLEGEDLY

JUST VERY GOOD FRIENDS WITH HUMA

UNINDICTED!

DON'T WORRY, SHE'LL AVOID THE PRESS

SHUT UP AND TAKE IT

EVEN NASTIER WHEN SHE LOSES

WHERE ELSE WILL DAVID BROCK GO FOR WORK?

SHE DIDN'T KILL VINCE FOSTER

WHITEWATER SHMITEWATER -- DON'T SAY YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THE SAME THING

INVADING LIBYA -- A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME

YOU'VE SEEN IT COMING FOR 25 GODDAMNED YEARS, PEOPLE!

OK LADIES, NOW YOU'LL KNOW WHERE TO FIND BILL

ADMIT IT -- YOU MISS THE DRAMA!

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