NO APPEEL

 Did you ever feel like you chose the wrong profession? I know I do, usually when I read anything about modern art. You will, too, when you read the headline that turned up my local newsfeed this morning: 

          Banana Taped To Wall Sells                  For $6.2 Million

I wouldn't have believed it either, if my wife and I hadn't stumbled on the Sotheby's livestreaming on YouTube last night. Wanting to know what an evening with Upper East Side swells was like, I clicked on the auction just as the work -- rightfully titled "Comedian" -- had reached $4,800,000. 

Watching in awe, along with slack jaws for good measure, we marveled at art connoisseurs driving the bids up to astonishing levels, both in person, online, and telephonically. 

Not even the staid auctioneer could hide his disbelief at the spectacle of people from around the world willing to write seven-figure checks for a real banana duct taped onto a canvas. It seemed to be taking every ounce of self-control for him to refrain from calling these people cretins in his proper British accent, which I would have bid to see him do.

You're probably wondering what happens once when the damn thing rots. Not to worry.  Maurizio Cattlelan, the (con) artist who created it, provides instructions on how to reinstall a new banana when the time comes. 

And if you want to know who would drop over six million bucks on this thing, congratulate Justin Sun, whose cryptocurrency scheme has landed him in hot water with the FEC, dragging Lindsay Lohan and Jake Paul along for the ride. America: the land where anyone can get rich by conning the richer. 

As Michealangelo inspired Raphael, so Cattelan inspires me. I am currently taking bids on "Jackassery" (left) which, when completed, will be the contents emptied from our toaster and painstakingly glued on a canvas. Since the asking price of "Comedian" was $800,000, I believe it's perfectly reasonable for "Jackassery" to open with $50,000 -- a mere bag of shells (or crumbs).

Just to make it even more desirable, the contents will never rot, seeing that the stuff is already burned to a crisp. Too, you can display it whatever way you desire. You want to hang it horizontally, go for it. Want to use it as a doormat in your entryway for wet shoes? Just let me cash the check first, and you can throw it off the roof for all I care. 

"Jackassery", then, is an interactive piece where you take part in its ultimate appearance. Or disappearance. (Justin Sun is planning on doing just that by eating the "Comedian" banana. I can't understand why so many people hate the rich.)

But keep in mind: in 2019, the three original versions of "Comedian" went for between $120,000 and $150,000. "Jackassery" will be a one-time only piece, thus making it even more valuable in three years. And unlike a rotting banana skin, it will never stink up the house. $50,000, $50,000, do I hear $50,500? The gentleman in the three-piece straitjacket bids $50,500...

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