BREAKING NEWS: WHITE HOUSE SECURITY EDITION

The Secret Service came under fire over the weekend for two unrelated incidents involving unauthorized men who got past the White House security perimeter. One of them, an Iraq war veteran, actually made it into the White House  through the front door before being stopped by agency personnel.

When asked why the White House front door was unlocked, Secret Service spokesman Brad Lanes said, "President Obama's popularity is at an all-time low. So we thought, hey, wouldn't it be nice if we made it easier for the people who still like him to swing by and, y'know, give him a thumbs-up and a 'we're sticking with you' kind of thing? Locking the door seemed to send a bad message, like we were trying to keep them out." Asked what security measures they were implementing going forward, Lanes replied, "We're having someone from Home Depot install a doorbell. If that doesn't work, we're going to get one of those doormats that say 'GO AWAY.' We hate to take those measures, but the President's safety is imperative, except when it's not."

The Secret Service's former open-door policy at the White House wasn't the only reflection on the President's negative polling numbers. The Washington Post is reporting that Democrats are inching away from the increasingly-unpopular Obama, not even mentioning the President's name during Congressional speeches.

One Democrat believed to be in trouble, Senator Mark Udall of Colorado, denies the Post story, telling reporters, "Speaking personally, I fully support whatshisname. I'd go so far as to say there isn't an inch of air between whoozis and me. I told that to President So-and-So himself just the other day. In fact, you can quote me when I say that I back whaddayacallit 100 percent."

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