BREAKING NEWS: 9/5/18

After several days of silence, Pope Francis expressed "outrage" over the Catholic Church's decades-long cover-up of sex abuse scandals involving priests and children.

"On the other hand," the pope added, "nowhere in the 10 Commandments does it say, 'Thou shalt not fuck children.'"

As the embattled Archbishop of Washington, Cardinal Donald Wuerl, addressed the Catholic Church's clergy sexual abuse scandal on Sunday, one Catholic yelled "Shame on you!" while another turned her back on Wuerl in protest. 

"I understand your frustration," Wuerl told them, "and I just want to let you know that I've been getting help for my premature ejaculation."

Two Catholic priests, Diego Berrio, 39, and Edwin Giraldo Cortez, 30, were charged with lewd and lascivious behavior after being caught performing sex acts on each other in a parked rental car near Miami Beach.

A spokesman for the Miami archdiocese told reporters, "This is unacceptable behavior. We've told our priests time and again, 'Only with little boys!'"

Mason T. Zimmer, 28 middle school teacher in Peru, Indiana was arrested yesterday for having sex with a high school student and exchanging inappropriate messages on social media.

Zimmer's lawyer told reporters his client would plead not guilty because he was studying to become a priest.

Rabbi Aryeh Cohen of St. Paul, Minnesota was arrested in a child sex sting operation conducted  by local police using Craigslist.

A spokesman for Cohen's temple released a statement reading, "This proves once and for all that no matter what religion you are, deep down inside we're all the same."

Siraj Wahhaj, 39, was arrested in a squalid New Mexico compound for kidnapping children and teaching them how to commit terrorism. Wahhaj is the son of a Brooklyn imam who was listed as a co-conspirator in the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center.

A spokesman for Wahhaj said, "At least they weren't fucking the kids, am I right?"

                                                      ********************