THE SHOW WITH THE MOST WITH THE LEAST OF THE HOSTS

Here we are, weeks into the controversial decision that has thrown the country into a panic, and has its citizens caught in the middle as they ask When are they going to come to the negotiating table and put an end to this nightmare?

Of course, I'm referring to the inability to find anyone willing to host the Academy Awards -- even after I offered a perfectly good idea a few weeks ago. When movie historians of the future look back at when the Oscars became irrelevant -- or at least no more relevant than the Golden Globes -- they will point to the year when celebrities decided that hosting the show was not only not worth the trouble, it could be career-damaging. 

Three dumbbells.

In other words, it's far easier to get someone to host a ceremony organized not by people in the industry but reporters from the Barcelona Gazette and the Lisbon Bee, who until fairly routinely gave their awards to the producers who threw the best parties. And considering past Oscar winners include Three 6 Mafia, Crash, The Greatest Show on Earth, and Roberto Benigni, at least the Golden Globes are more honest.

If the Academy really wanted to make a splash, it could hire somebody totally unexpected and keep it a secret until airtime. Wouldn't you like to see, say, Dick Cheney walk onstage, hunting rifle in hand, and make a few self-depreciating jokes? I know what you're thinking: how can Christian Bale be in two places at once?... I saw "Vice" and frankly I wasn't impressed. Until Bale survives five heart attacks, pretends to let the President run the country, and arranges a terrorist attack in order to invade the Middle East, I don't want to hear how accurate his performance was... By the way, is James Woods around? I need a place to crash tonight...

Old-time Oscar viewers remember with fondness the two hosts best identified with hosting the show -- Bob Hope and Johnny Carson. But while neither of them are available for a return engagement, the Academy could do worse than hire the next best things.

Dave Thomas, for those of you unfamiliar with the name, was one of the original cast

Better than the real thing.

members of  the late night Canadian comedy sketch show SCTV, which was usually funnier in one episode than Saturday Night Live in an entire season. Among other characters he played, Thomas was probably best known for his hilariously spot-on impersonation of Bob Hope. 

Being a terrific comedy writer as well as a lifelong fan of Hope, all Thomas would have to do is spend a couple of hours coming up with the same kind of hoary jokes and out-of-touch cultural references that his hero was best known for, spend 20 minutes in the make-up chair, and nobody would tell the difference.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 90th Academy Award ceremonies -- or, as its known in my house, "Never Going My Way"... People are happy that the Academy has become more inclusive than ever. "Inclusive" -- that means all races and genders are equally cut-throat at Oscar time... And how about those Marvel Comics movies? I haven't seen so many rich white people excited about a Black Panther since Leonard Bernstein's cocktail party... I see women aren't taking it lying down any more. I remember when Me Too was what Louis B. Mayer said to Harry Cohn about Rita Hayworth... And look at all those buttons reading Time's Up. I thought that was referring to the length of this show...

That's Rich -- but not as rich as Johnny.

Unfortunately, it was that kind of humor which eventually gave Hope his walking papers. Five-time Oscar host Johnny Carson, on the other hand, was adept in all departments: ad-libbing, joke delivery, being even-handed about political jokes, and, best of all, getting away with mocking the nominees because he was arguably more popular and powerful than any of them. 

Not so powerful that he could host once more, however. But nobody was better at impersonating Carson than Rich Little, who's still alive and well. And, as he admitted, there's no way he can sound like contemporary stars like Matt Damon or Ben Affleck. So why not let Rich do what he does best -- imitate someone who's been dead for decades? Heeere's Johnny!

Welcome to the 2019 Academy Awards, where the minorities are now the majority, the majority is the minority, and Donald Trump wants to build a wall around the Dolby Theater to keep us all inside... I see Sean Penn's here. You know, if the Democrats get their way in 2020, Sean's not going to have to visit Venezuela any more... "Roma" was about a Mexican housekeeper treated as second class by her employers, has to eat dinner by herself in the kitchen, and cleans up after the family dog every day. They could do a remake called "Beverly Hills" and not change a thing... And speaking of remakes, "A Star is Born" is the fifth version of a movie that goes back to 1932. But to keep it up to date, Bradley Cooper's character gave new meaning to the concept of "live streaming"...

Oh, what the hell. It doesn't matter who gets the gig. The Oscars have gone from being the most-watched television event of the year to just another of the movie awards show that air weekly January through February. What the movie industry never thought possible, then, has come to pass: No one outside Hollywood is impressed any more. 

My sure-to-be-ignored advice? Go back to the original concept: a private dinner followed by 15 minutes of handing out awards. No radio, no TV. Then go home and admire your Oscar, which will do nothing for your career. Just ask Roberto Benigni and Three 6 Mafia.

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Forget about all that. Just watch SCTV's Bob Hope Desert Classic sketch starring Dave Thomas: