US DAMN FOREIGNERS

Last week I got into a conversation with a couple from Ireland. We spoke for at least five minutes, and not once did I misunderstand them because of their accent. Would the same hold true if we were speaking on their home turf? 

They may not understand
Americans, but they know 
them when they see them.

Not according to Family Destinations Guide, which isn't to be confused with the other 295,000,000 results that appear when you Google "family destinations guide". The real F.D.G. has listed the most misunderstood American accents when we travel abroad. 

Number one on the "Can't you make an effort to talk like us" list is Rhode Island -- the smallest state in the union and the place where I was born. Number four is New York, where I've been living for most of my life. Thus, I am doubly-cursed when it comes to the simple act of asking for a cappuccino in Italy or Arctic char in Iceland. 

Frankly, I'm surprised that Rhode Island comes out on top, seeing what a provincial state it is. My mother used to say only half-jokingly that there were many locals who never left the island. And she may have been correct; according to the US Passport Service Guide, only a little over 43,000 of its citizens have passports. I'm willing to bet cash money that I'm one of the few graduates from my high school senior class who do. Not that it was my idea -- otherwise, my wife would have travelled to the Virgin Islands on her own for our wedding.

The Rhode Island state flag,
meaning "We hope you know what
the hell we're saying."

Early on, my daughter's reaction to my occasional Rhode Island accent was often baffled -- none of her friends (or their parents) sounded like me, so what was the deal? As she got older, she found the confidence to imitate it when I occasionally lapsed into Ocean State patois. Never was I made such an object of merriment as when pronouncing "China" as "Chiner".

In my defense, I believe I had heard then-Secretary of State John Kerry do the same thing. His Massachusetts accent, number 9 on the F.D.G. list, is similar to Rhode Island's, only heavier. (They pronounce "tonic" as "tawnic" when they mean "soda", which I don't get at all.) Between those two states are, among others, Alabama, New Jersey, and Connecticut. 

Who knew Connecticut had an accent? I'm barely aware Connecticut even exists. Next time any of them visit New York, they should start talking funny so we know how they sound to the Irish.

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