MY REGENERATION

 I hadn't even had my first sip of coffee when the double headline on my neighborhood newsletter popped my eyes open:

A Futuristic Hamptons 'Longevity Clinic' Opens On The UES

"Human Regenerator" beds, IV drips, oxygen chambers and light therapy galore.

I'm pretty sure Stanley Kubrick got there first.

Whoa! Now that I'm two months away from turning 70, I've been looking for someplace to regenerate myself. And all it took was lying on something out of an Isaac Asimov novel like I, Mattress. All the usual treatments you've heard of -- and many you haven't -- are available.

Only people who can afford red light
 therapy can do it with a straight face.

 Red Light Therapy sounded like something they taught when you were sent back to driving school after three tickets. On the other hand, who needs an old school One-A-Day when you can have an IV vitamin drip at least 100 times the price? And you can just throw out your Dove Soap when Hamptons BioMed can offer you a "Peptide-Based Facial". 

I had to look up how a "Peptide-Based Facial" will make you look. It sounded pretty similar to what my wife gets at Mario Budescu, only Hamptons BioMed likely adds an extra $300 to the bill. Peptides don't come cheap.

What they don't tell you is that you wake up
looking like an extra from a 1950s sci-fi movie.

Their Human Regenerator Beds -- as opposed the kind for dogs, I guess -- are "designed to support cellular recovery and overall balance while clients rest on them."  According to the manufacturer's chart, the beds can make you into a new person 15 different ways, from oxidative stress reduction right down to improved nail and hair health. I'd be happy if it could prevent me from waking up every hour to take a leak. 

When the revolution comes, the Hamptons'
elites will drown in their peptides.

 Naturally, none of these services are covered by insurance. And by putting "Hamptons" in its name, you know treatments like these are only for guys who wear green polo shirts, pink khakis and white shoes, and women who dig out their best pearls for lounging at the South Fork Country Club. The BioMed folks might as well come out and say, "Optimum health is wonderful, life-changing, and only for those who can afford it." Another shot of peptides at table six, garcon! 

 

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