RIGHT RE-WRITES

Any aspiring screenwriter who's ever received rejection letters knows the drill. No matter what studio or agent they're from, certain vague phrases appear in each one. "After careful consideration" (meaning the intern was too high to read beyond page 12), "we regret" (an out right lie), and "doesn't fit our needs at this time" (meaning... what, exactly?).

It would be nice to know what exactly was wrong with your masterpiece, but you're never going to find out. But there was a time when studios were more direct with their form letters. Here's how the Essanay studio in Chicago broke the news to a now-anonymous writer in 1916:

There it is in black & white. Of all 17 possible reasons, the one that fit this particular script was that it was old hat (which is somehow different from #11, "Not original"). From this list, any writer would've had an idea of what the problem was -- other than, most likely, it just wasn't very good.

Studios should return to this kind of rejection format. Only now, the reasons would be different.

1. STRONG PLOT

2. IDEA HASN'T BEEN DONE BEFORE 

3. WHO THE HELL WANTS TRUE TO LIFE?

4. NO SEQUEL POSSIBILITIES

5. NOT ENOUGH POP SONGS ON SOUNDTRACK TO CUE THE AUDIENCE'S EMOTIONS

6. TOO ORIGINAL

7. MATURE WIT

8. WE DON'T ROLL WITH INTERESTING

9. DRAMA, SHMAMA -- GIVE US EXPLOSIONS!

10. NOT A SINGLE MARKETING TIE-IN WITH MCDONALD'S

11. SO WHERE ARE THE SUPERHEROES ANYWAY?

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