UNDER COVID, PT. 32: ALMOST NORMAL (UNTIL IT ISN'T)

This is what keeps us healthy.

If you had a view of Manhattan from the Empire State Building's observation deck, you'd see a city that appeared to be firing on all cylinders. Streets clogged with traffic; sidewalks filled with pedestrians; restaurants serving meals all day at outdoor tables; shoppers exiting stores with provisions of all kinds... You can even dine on one of our legendary dirty water hot dogs! Just make sure you stop off at the nearest CVS for a package of Tums first.

And none of them look like Jane Fonda.

But after taking the elevator down to 5th Avenue, you'd find a slightly different city before you. Masks are still the fashion trend of the day. Stores allow only a certain number of shoppers at a time. The indoor portion of the restaurants are at only 25% capacity. And you're still likely to see pedestrians jumping out of your way as you approach them. I've noticed that these tend to be very thin women over the age of 60, who also wear scarves, nylon gloves, and knit caps pulled down as far as they can go. If Dr. Fauci warned of COVID entering your ears, I must have missed it.

And yet there are times, even after seven months, I forget we're living in pre-end times. I've occasionally left the house and walked two blocks before realizing I've neglected to don a mask, forcing me to run back, head down with my hand covering my nose and mouth, hoping I don't hear the angry "Put on a mask!" that those skinny older women shout at dreadful people like me.

Or, if your my age, crap like this.

Those women sure don't want to live in the parts of Brooklyn and Queens that have seen a
recent spike in COVID cases. Part of the spike is likely due to the return of school and indoor dining. But there's also a weird alliance of Trump voters and Orthodox Jews who refuse to wear masks because freedom! 

The latter group recently had an open-air bonfire of masks in the middle of a street, which, to me, evoked unfortunate, ironic reruns of a decidedly anti-Jewish government of the mid-20th century. Do you wonder why I declare humans to be the stupidest creatures on the planet?

Thanks to New York state, I can now find out if any of the stupider ones have been within my vicinity. I recently downloaded the official COVID Alert app to my phone. In addition to keeping me fairly up to date on the numbers -- out of 145,811 people tested, 1,836 were positive as of Wednesday -- I can keep a daily tab of my symptoms, if any. 

In turn, anyone else with the app is -- or should be -- doing the same thing. If two or more people with apps are close to each other for 10 minutes, the apps communicate with each other, to let us know if the other has any symptoms. There's absolutely no way I'm trusting any of my fellow New Yorkers to enter the truth on their app, not even those skinny old women, but it sounds cool, right?

Ah, now I understand what it's about.

Places where I'm definitely not going to be close to anyone are theaters. If you were one of those New Yorkers who wanted to see Tenet last month, well, you were out of luck. But don't worry. Like most Christopher Nolan movies, it's said to be confusing, and much of the dialogue is difficult to make out. At least when it's available for streaming, you can add captions and rewind it when necessary.  

If all movie experiences were like this, I'd
go more often.

It's not like we're missing out on the moviegoing experience, anyway. The last time we didn't stream a movie was November 7, 2019, when we saw The Irishman at the Belasco. That was also the last time we were inside a Broadway theater. Had I known, I'd have taken an obnoxious selfie from my tenth row seat.

We tend to see three plays annually, usually through the Roundabout Theater Company. This past May, we were scheduled for Plaza Suite, with Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker.

I don't have to remind you what happened in early spring. But what you might have forgotten was that the Broadway League confidently announced that theaters would re-open July 4 weekend.

Did I say "confidently"? Make that "stupidly". No one expected this thing to be over that soon. And so, we received new tickets for the May 5, 2021 performance of Plaza Suite. A year's delay! Well, at least we had plenty of time to clear our calendar. Even more time, in fact, than those who were planning on opening night of David Mamet's Buffalo Nickel next March (another show delayed a year to the date). 

Wake me up when Broadway looks like this again.
On second thought, don't bother.

Those poor folks, however, will have to wait even longer. This morning, the hapless Broadway Leaguers announced that theaters will remain closed until at least June 1, 2021. 

Considering the Metropolitan Opera has already given up on the arias until 2022, it wouldn't be a shock if New Yorkers have to rely on their TVs for  culture for the next year. What will my COVID app do for fun then?

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