BREAKING NEWS: GENERAL MOTORS EDITION

General Motors has announced the findings of General Motors investigating General Motors. Mary Barra, the president of General Motors, revealed that General Motors had nothing to fear from General Motors.

"After literally days of digging through filing cabinets, picking peoples' brains, and making professional guesswork, our lawyers have decided that nobody at General Motors covered up the faulty ignition switch that led to the deaths of anywhere from 13 to 74 loyal General Motors customers," Ms. Barra told reporters. "Despite what press reports would have you believe, not one employee ever tried to hide the lazy, thoughtless, and ultimately fatal decisions our management team played in this matter. It was, in fact, all above board and approved by those in the know."

Responding to a question regarding GM's ultimate culpability for the faulty mechanism itself, Ms. Barra said, "If you're going to play that game, then let's the government in here as well. We received $10-billion in government loans, right? Now let's say you send your kid to college and he sets the dorm on fire. You'd probably be on the hook for that. Well, this is the same sort of situation. You're foolish enough to loan anybody $10-billion, you've got to expect something's going to go haywire."

 Ms. Barra went on to explain that 15 GM employees had been fired over the incident. "But we have it on good authority that they're going to land on their feet at some other car manufacturer like nothing ever happened, so shed no tears for them." Five other employees, she added, will be disciplined. "We are taking away their coffee break privileges, not for a week or a month, but the entire next quarter. There has to be a price to pay for creating a situation that would've resulted in manslaughter charges anywhere else. I know we can't bring back those who have been killed by our negligence, greed, and morally bankrupt work ethics, but I hope this action brings some kind of closure to the survivors." 

Ms. Barra added that those surviving family members will be offered a $100 gift card good toward the purchase of any GM product. "It's the least we can, and will, do."

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