BREAKING NEWS: JOHN KERRY EDITION

Secretary of State John Kerry responded to reports that quoted him as saying that he gets "a little uptight when I hear politicians say how exceptional we are."

Talking to reporters during a stop at the Baghdad Holiday Inn Express, Kerry said, "Look, the U.S. isn't the only country with politicians who dump their wives for women who are richer or younger, like Newt Gingrich and I did. And let me be clear," he continued, "nor are we the only public servants to get plastic surgery and overdo the botox in a failed attempt to look more vital. Take a look at former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy. One more peel and he's going to look like Paul Anka's twin brother."

Licking his lips in lizard-like fashion, Kerry asked, "And by the way, we're not alone when it comes to family dynasties. I know, I know, we fought a war to break away from that kind of thing -- but what else can you do if you're named Clinton, Bush or Kennedy? It's not an easy thing. I mean, how would you like to be Chelsea Clinton, and get well-paying jobs you're totally unqualified for just because of your last name? Just ask Prince Charles."

Kerry even brought up his boss as a good example of American unexceptionalism. "Take President Obama. He was excoriated for refusing to visit the Mexican border because he doesn't do photo-ops, then did photo-ops drinking beer and shooting pool. Vladimir Putin does photo-ops in his underwear! That's the way the game is played."

"And let me tell you, we don't corner the market on political hypocrisy, either, like Republicans not saying a peep about the previous administration racking up massive debt, or Democrats turning a blind eye on NSA overreach under President Obama. Public servants all over the world are doing whatever it takes to please the yahoos in their party while ignoring what's good for their country. Like Harry Reid claiming the border is secure when we've got half of Central America playing dominoes in our Red Cross shelters. He's not delusional, he's just... Well, OK, maybe he is delusional. But he's the exception! The rest of us know what we're doing."

"And speaking of NSA overreach," Kerry said, "I can guarantee you that kind of thing happens all the time in China, North Korea, and Russia. So let's not hold ourselves to a higher standard."

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