BREAKING NEWS: IMMIGRATION EDITION

Congressional leaders wasted no time in responding to President Barack Obama's executive order regarding immigration reform.

Senate leader Harry Reid (D-NV) told reporters, "For me, immigration reform was personal. When we in the Senate are working late, we always order in pizza. And it's always some little Latino guy who delivers it, fresh and hot. Cheese never sticks to the box. Without those guys, we'd starve to death. And I like how they deliver the newspapers, too. Latinos are very good at delivering. Something in their blood, I think. That's why I'm against the Keystone Pipeline. Now, give Latinos jobs delivering oil like a bucket brigade, I'll be the first to endorse that."

A different tone was struck by Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH). "The Republicans will not take this lying down," Boehner thundered after the president's speech. "We won an historic victory this month. And frankly, we're not used to it. So instead of holding our fire and behaving like mature leaders, we're going to make sure that we put the lunatics in front of every camera. They've got the talking points -- impeachment, shutting down the government, Michelle's clothes -- to make the American citizens regret they ever voted for us. By the time we're done, whatever goodwill we created will collapse faster than snow on a Buffalo rooftop. Then maybe in 2016, we'll be back in the minority with another Democratic president. That's our kind of victory."

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