Tuesday, November 11, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: POST OFFICE EDITION

Chinese government hackers are suspected of breaching the computer networks of the United States Postal Service, compromising the data of more than 800,000 employees — including the postmaster general’s.

Postal Service spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters that, thanks to the stolen information, Chinese officials have learned how to run a business with unpleasant employees and endless customer lines, while losing eight billion dollars a year. "And if they keep hacking into other American businesses," Lanes warned, "they're going to learn all our trade secrets, like how to rip-off cable TV customers, market potato chips as health food, and force people to keep buying the same electronic devices over and over again. Then where will that leave us?"

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