CHARLES AND BILL

We know the world has gone topsy-turvy when an 80 year-old man imprisoned for life on multiple-murder raps is better marriage material than the most beloved comedian of his generation:

CORCORAN, Calif. (AP) — Mass murderer Charles Manson plans to marry a 26-year-old woman who left her Midwestern home and spent the past nine years trying to help exonerate him.

Afton Elaine Burton, the raven-haired bride-to-be, said she loves the man convicted in the notorious murders of seven people, including pregnant actress Sharon Tate.

He's finally found someone to
make him happy.

What's not to love? Manson isn't allowed conjugal visits, so there's no pressure on the blushing bride's wedding night. And even if the couple were allowed to consummate their holy matrimony, there'd be no chance of their offspring inheriting the swastika that's been carved into Manson's forehead.

Besides, with a 54-year age difference, there's a darned good chance that Ms. Burton will be on the market again in five or ten years. The resulting book contract should make her a mighty tempting "get" for talk shows and husbands-to-be alike. Those yentas on The View probably have the contract ready to sign already.

For the record, Ms. Burton is interested in working on Manson's case -- like there's cause for doubt concerning his guilt -- and marrying him would allow access to information unavailable to non-relatives. She told the AP reporter, "There's certain things next of kin can do." I'd say the first thing Charles Manson's next of kin could do is legally change their name to something less notorious, like Pinochet. 

Even Cosby admits it.

They certainly wouldn't want to change it to Cosby, as in Bill, formerly known as "America's Favorite Dad," and now as the guy who's been accused of drugging and raping at least 14 women since 1969. That was the same year he recorded an album called It's True! It's True!, featuring a bit called "Spanish Fly." Because there's nothing funnier than drugging and raping women.

There's been a trail of these accusations going on for years, but it wasn't until the last couple of weeks that it finally exploded into the mainstream. It's only appropriate that the showbiz-obsessed news media is asking, "How will this affect Cosby's proposed NBC sitcom?" rather than, "How did we miss this for so long?" Such is the power of a cheerful public personality. You don't get to the top of the showbiz heap just by eating Jell-O Pudding, you know. 

As has been noted by one of Cosby's alleged victims, nobody seemed to be interested in their stories until a second-tier comedian named Hannibal Buress talked about it in his stand-up act last month. This should be a lesson to women everywhere. If you've been sexually assaulted, tell your story to a comedian -- a male comedian, that is, even one nobody's heard of -- because the news media will finally pay attention to you.

As for what Cosby has to say about these charges, it's literally nothing. Oh, he paid off one of his accusers some years back, which is a sure sign of innocence. (None of the other women are asking for a dime.) But if you really want to know what he's thinking, go back to It's True! It's True!, the album with "Spanish Fly," and look at the name of the first bit: "It's the Women's Fault." You're asking for it, Cos, you're just asking for it.

                                      *******************************