BREAKING NEWS: HILLARY CLINTON EDITION

In the wake of Hillary Clinton's email controversy, the presumptive Democratic presidential candidate has hired the consulting firm of Booz Allen Hamilton to improve her image.

As Booz Allen spokesman Brad Lanes explained, "The problem with Hillary -- that she's utterly unlikeable -- oddly works in her favor. Because Democrats who don't like her always say, 'But I'm going to vote for her anyway,' even though they perceive her as being cynical, militaristic, and cozy with Wall Street. And Republicans, who normally loathe her, respect her for those same reasons. So it's a win-win all around. I mean, she could run over a flock of baby ducks, and Lanny Davis will go on Morning Joe and blame the guy who filled up her gas tank."

"But it doesn't end there," admitted Lanes, "because the email situation reinforces the image that Hillary is Richard Nixon with a blonde rinse. And then there's her husband, who can best be described as an AK-47 without a safety lock. You never know who he's going to  spray with his, er, ammunition. But again, that can work for us if we play it right."

When asked how, Lanes replied, "One word: dependability. Americans are living in very uncertain times. What better way to know what the lead story will be on the news on any given night than rebooting the endless Clinton psychodrama? It's like House of Cards, only it's real. I mean, Kevin Spacey's a great actor, don't get me wrong. But for sheer, unadulterated adulteration, Bill is genius. And everybody loves it when Hillary has to drop everything and run to his rescue."

"It's got something for everybody," said Lanes. "Men envy Bill for getting away with it, and women sympathize with Hillary for having to stay married to him, because, well, who would have voted for somebody named Hillary Rodham Nothing? They need each other."

"And it's happening already," Lanes noted. "The day after Hillary says she used her private server to communicate with her husband, he comes out and says he's sent only two emails in his life, and not since he left office! They don't call him Teflon Bill for nothing," Lanes chuckled. "See, America loves the endless drama. In fact, that's how we're going to sell it: 'In your heart, you know you miss it."

But as for the younger generation? "That's going to be the challenge," admitted Lanes. "They know Hillary only for pointing to people in crowds as if she knows them and cackling with delight, and Bill as some guy who looks like their horny uncle who makes dirty jokes. But kids love reality shows. And we need to let them know that a Clinton White House would be the ultimate reality show." 

Deepening his voice like a television announcer, Lanes said dramatically, "As ISIS launches an invasion of Italy, Hillary is distracted by Bill launching an invasion of his newest intern. Which crisis will she have to handle first? Find out tonight on Keeping Up with the Clintons." Returning to his own voice, Lanes said, "I get goosebumps just thinking about it."

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