YOU WILL MEET A SHORT, PALE STRANGER

What with all the anger regarding gay marriage, you'd think that a straight couple happily married for 23 years would be cause for celebration in some circles. Yet no man in my memory has ever caused so much consternation for being a faithful husband than Woody Allen.

Have you ever seen a happier bunch?

You know the story. Man dates woman with more adopted children than toes on her feet. Man falls in love with her 20 year-old daughter. Man takes naked pictures of daughter. Hilarity ensues.

In defending his actions, Woody made the now-legendary statement, "The heart wants what it wants." So does my stomach, but that doesn't mean I eat an entire Thanksgiving turkey with all the trimmings.

Still, Woody wasn't married to Mia Farrow, nor were they were even living together. And in 1992, Mia's adopted daughter, Soon-Yi Previn, told Time magazine that she never considered Woody to be her father, stepfather or father-figure:

"To think that Woody was in any way a father or stepfather to me is laughable. My parents are Andre Previn and Mia, but obviously they're not even my real parents. I came to America when I was seven. I was never remotely close to Woody. He was someone who was devoted exclusively to his own children and to his work, and we never spent a moment together."

This is actually a mature take on the matter. She doesn't sound like a kid who was brainwashed by a wisecracking Svengali. In fact, this should have been the end of it.

Woody, however, apparently didn't get the memo, as a recent interview with NPR proved. As usual, the subject of the 35-year difference between Woody and the little lady was brought up. It's the age-old question: What's the secret to a happy marriage? Let Woody tell it:

“She enjoyed being introduced to many, many things that I knew from experience, and I enjoyed showing her those things. I'm 35 years older, and somehow, through no fault of mine or hers, the dynamic worked. I was paternal.  She responded to someone paternal." 

But does she accept insurance?

This sounds similar to the relationship I have with my daughter. You know, old movies, absurd humor, a cynical take on life. The difference is, I'm 40 years older and, oh yeah, I'm her father.

Now, I'm long past the "eww" stage of their marriage. But it wouldn't be such a terrible thing, next time Woody's interviewed, to bring up those two diametrically opposite quotes and ask, "Sooo... which is it?"

I've seen Woody and Soon-Yi around the city exactly twice.  Had I not known who they were, I would have guessed that she was the caregiver for a frail elderly man. Whether this is better than husband and wife or father-figure and starry-eyed woman, I leave to you.

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