BREAKING NEWS: LINCOLN CHAFEE EDITION

Former Governor Lincoln Chafee is earning plaudits from some of his fellow Rhode Islanders after his appearance at the first Democratic debate in Las Vegas on Tuesday evening.

Alleged rapist-turned-Providence Mayor-turned federal prisoner Buddy Cianci (left) thanked Chafee because "I'm now only the second-most ridiculed man in the state." 


Claus von Bulow (right) congratulated Chafee "for making your debate performance even more moribund than my wife."

And it isn't just celebrities. Steven Assanti of Cranston, the self-described 800-pound "monster,"  expressed gratitude. "I threw up every time Chafee opened his mouth," Assanti said. "By the time he finally drops out of the race, I should be down to 150, easy."


Local businesses, too, are toasting Chaffe. The Newport Creamery is introducing a new flavor for its legendary Awful Awful ice cream milk shakes (right) named after the former Governor. Creamery spokesman Brad Lanes said, "It was a natural. Nothing could have been more awful awful than Chafee's performance."

The only dissent appeared to come from the makers of Rhode Island's Autocrat Coffee Syrup (left). "Judging by the first debate," its press release said, "Chafee's in no danger of becoming the country's premier autocrat."




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