CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCKHEAD

These colors do not exist in nature.

Hey gang, remember when Mike Huckabee condemned the boycott of the Chick-Fil-A restaurant chain for its donation to anti-gay marriage campaigns, calling it "economic terrorism"?

Well, neither does Mike. Because desperate poll numbers call for desperate measures, Huckabee is calling for a boycott of Doritos, and not because they taste like spicy woodchips. Time magazine reports:

Donate $10 or more to the It Gets Better Project, an organization dedicated to fighting anti-LGBT bullying, and you get mailed a bag of Rainbow Doritos. The campaign was so popular that Frito-Lay is already out of Rainbow Doritos. 

Huckabee's reason for declaring war on colorful junk food is that It Gets Better was created by gay columnist Dan Savage, whose take on Christianity would contain a little less vitriol if the more outre Christians didn't compare gays to Nazis who should be executed. Baptist minister Steve Anderson, however, would prefer the natural way: “If you’re a homosexual, I hope you get brain cancer and die like Ted Kennedy.”  Jeez, Steve, what about getting Alzheimer's and dying like Ronald Reagan? At least they'd forget to be gay!

Huckabee doesn't go that far, however, merely comparing homosexuality to drug use, drinking and swearing. Trust me, Mike, all that has been known to come into play between plenty of straight couples during sex. 

If Lane is an upstanding American,
why does he look like a Russian gymnastics
coach?

This noble cause can't possibly be a one-man job, which is why Huckabee has been joined by David Lane of the American Renewal Project. This is similar to urban renewal projects, only instead of tearing down dilapidated buildings, its goal is to get rid of anyone who isn't a card-carrying heterosexual Christian. (Jews are OK, up to a point -- like, the point of the Rapture. Then it's so long, Shlomo!)

Lane says that the USA is a "Christian nation" which needs to get rid of secularism, and whose Christians need to prepare for martyrdom in order to end gay marriage. This guy should team up with ISIS and just divide the world into two halves.

More like a battle for the gut of the Huckabee family.

Armchair historian that he is, Lane also states that the separation of church and state is, at the risk sounding tautological, a "fabricated whopper."  But nothing compares to his Doritos boycott, which he rather extravagantly calls "a battle for the soul of America."

If that's true, Lane and Huckabee must think that the US itself is like Doritos: thin, brittle, and utterly lacking in nutritional value. Man, some patriots those guys are!

But patriotism really has nothing to do with this. For, as the old song goes, at the end of a rainbow, you'll find a pot of gold. At the end of this rainbow, though, is a pot of gold in campaign donations. The Frito Bandito couldn't have been any slicker.

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