BREAKING NEWS: 5/25/16

The Archdiocese of Rockville Center, Long Island, recently warned parents about an illicit website that allows users to ask for nude photos of specific students by name.

Parents were described as shocked, especially because the priests didn't keep this information to themselves.

According to a study in the Journal of Sex Research, people who watch pornography more than once a week become more religious.

A researcher said, "We know this because when they watch internet porn, they start yelling, 'Oh God, oh God, OH GOD!'"

Several parents in Ontario, Canada who paid $299 to a prenatal clinic for images of their unborn children claim they received identical pictures.

In response, clinic spokesman Brad Lanes blamed the women for having sex with the same man.

During an interview in Amsterdam, Apple CEO Tim Cook said that he saw an iPhone in the 1670 painting "Man Hands a Letter to a Woman in a Hall" by Pieter de Hooch.

When informed of Cook's claim, art historian Dan Hoak scoffed, "This is nonsense! Everyone knows de Hooch was an Android guy."

As researchers experiment with growing human organs inside of pigs and sheep, the scientific community is concerned that they could one day create "monstrous" animal-human hybrids.

A spokesman for the E! channel said, "They obviously haven't been watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians."




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