BREAKING NEWS: 7/14/16

The Fresno Police Department's internal affairs unit is investigating the death of Dylan Noble, 19. Noble, unarmed, was shot four times by police officers, twice while lying wounded on the ground. 

Police Department spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "As you can see by the suspect's photo, this proves that Fresno cops don't discriminate when it comes to recklessly shooting suspects. Black or white, they're all the same to us."

Statistics released by the Texas Education Agency have revealed it launched 188 investigations of reported inappropriate teacher-student relationships in the last fiscal year. 

Even more shocking to investigators was that there were 188 kids in Texas who actually went to school.

According to a report published by the International Journal of Cardiology, not only are comedians more likely to die younger than other entertainers, but funnier comedians are more likely to die young than less funny ones.

The researchers said this explained Milton Berle and Bob Hope.

Insiders claim that Donald Trump's pick for his running mate has come down to Gov. Mike Pence, Newt Gingrich, and Gov. Chris Christie. All three are considered good choices to balance the ticket.

"And by balance the ticket," said Trump spokesman Chester Hooten, "I mean somebody whose hair color and skin tone are actually found in nature."

At a campaign rally in Portsmouth, NH, Sen. Bernie Sanders formally endorsed his rival Hillary Clinton for president.

Clinton thanked Sanders before signalling to her sharpshooters that it was safe to put down their weapons.

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