BREAKING NEWS 7/27/16

In the 20,000 hacked DNC emails, many of the staffers under Debbie Wasserman-Schultz make fun of African-American names, use homophobic slurs, and suggested using Bernie Sanders' religion against him in the campaign.

DNC spokesman Brad Lanes vowed to get to the bottom of the scandal, adding that "No faggot, hebe or colored is immune."

Researchers in Belgium have created a device that uses solar energy to turn urine into drinkable water, which can then be used to brew beer. 

Researchers in America, however, already refer to that process as "Making Budweiser."

Lindsay Lohan claims that her fiancee, Russian billionaire Egor Tarabasov, needs psychological help.

When asked why, a spokesman said, "Because he wants to marry Lindsay Lohan."

Donald Trump's spiritual adviser, Paula White, is selling "resurrection seeds" for $1,444 each. White claims that the seeds, which she says were sent to her by God, prevent the owners from dying.

Notified of the product, Trump said, "Why didn't I think of that?"


In what appeared to be an attempt to unite delegates of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, Paul Simon sang "Bridge Over Troubled Water" at the Democratic convention.

Attendees said it worked, with all agreeing that Simon sounded like shit, looked like death warmed over, and that Garfunkel did it better the first time around.

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