BREAKING NEWS: 7/29/16

Temperatures have soared so high in the upstate village of Throop, NY that horse manure in a barn burst into flames.

Throop resident Chester Hooten told reporters, "This actually takes all the fun out of setting it on fire ourselves."

Hillary Clinton became the first woman nominated for president by a major American political party. She told the cheering delegates, "When any barrier falls in America, for anyone, it clears the way for everyone."

"And that's been proven in this race itself," she pointed out. "For the first time in our history, more Americans would rather stick their head in a pile of exploding horseshit than vote for either of the major candidates!"

In related news, Bill Clinton appeared to have fallen asleep during Hillary's acceptance speech.

He later denied the accusation, saying, "I never sleep anywhere near my wife!"

Donald Trump has been cleared by the White House to receive intelligence briefings.

It was initially considered redundant, since Trump's intelligence is already pretty brief.

Creationist Ken Hamm, the builder of the Noah's Ark theme park in Kentucky, has said prospective employees must sign a statement of faith disavowing premarital sex.

Ironically, anybody working there would have to be completely fucked.




The parents of Humayan Khanan, an American Muslim soldier killed in action in Iraq, spoke at the Democratic convention last night. In response, columnist Ann Coulter mocked them by tweeting, "You know what this convention really needed? An angry Muslim with a thick accent."

Coulter was immediately rushed to George Washington University Hospital for a heart and soul transplant.


Former reality TV star Paris Hilton, now working as a DJ in Ibiza, says she's

afraid because she's "a famous person who could be a target" for ISIS terrorists.

A quick poll found 100% of respondents saying, "If only."


                                              





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