BREAKING NEWS: 9/15/16

According to the World Health Organization, the U.S. ranks number three in depression and anxiety.

The survey was taken shortly after the presidential conventions.

After waiting a century, Yisrael Kristal, 113, finally celebrated his bar mitzvah this week.

As he stepped to the podium, Kristal said, "Today, I am a man... in need of a nap."

Richard E Nisbett, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, said that chronic tardiness could be a sign of insanity.

Upon hearing the news, husbands across America yelled, "I told you my wife was crazy!"

The 1943 Walt Disney cartoon Der Fuehrer's Face, featuring Donald Duck in a nightmare setting working at a munitions factory in Germany, has been removed from a “banned” list Russia after being mistakenly considered pro-Nazi for 73 years.

However, The Flinstones remains forbidden for "glorifying the curse of the proletariat who can only afford to live in caves."

In Manhattan, users of LinkNYC internet kiosks will no longer be able to browse the web on the built-in tablets as the city looks for a way to prevent people from using them to watch porn.

As the internet service was shut off at one kiosk, an unidentified man was overheard muttering, "Well, at least Huma will be out of the house soon."

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