BREAKING NEWS: 9/3/2016

Commenting on the current presidential election, Rev. Franklin Graham claimed that President Barack Obama "promotes ungodly sexual behavior."

"And by that," added Rev. Franklin, "I mean intercourse between two non-white people."

Pastor Mark Burns, one of Donald Trump's top advisers and spokesmen, admitted to lying about graduating from college, having a Bachelor of Science degree, and serving in the Army Reserve.

When asked why he made it all up, Pastor Burns replied, "Once Trump said he was going to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it, I thought, 'Shit, anything goes!'"

Police in Florida caught fugitive Mack Yearwood when he put their "Wanted" poster on his Facebook page.

His current Facebook status is listed as "Total Fucking Moron."

According to the FBI, an aide to Bill Clinton destroyed two of Hillary Clinton's cell phones by breaking them in half and hitting them with a hammer.

As the aide explained, "I took my cue from Hillary's management style."

According to its website, an app called uPMS is for men "suffering the monthly Psychotic Mood Shifts from their better halves," in order to "track their PMS cycle, allowing you to quickly know in advance if it’s that time of the month again."

A rival designer wanted to sell an app that let women know when the men in their lives were most likely to behave like adolescent boys having their first beer, but decided it would be redundant.

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